FRISKY FRIDAY | OR IS IT STARFISH SUNDAY?

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

The backlog on my posts is real, you guys – If you’ve requested a post, it’s coming! Lots of new stuff with me, but nothing I can think of at the top of my head as per usual when I draft these blurbs; life’s been good, though. I finally ended up getting into Game of Thrones after years of friends trying to get me to watch it. Naturally, ended up slamming through 7 seasons in a couple of weeks with lots of shock and confusion.

I finally found a place, as complained about in my last post. I’ll probably love it once my indecisive Virgo ass figures out what decorative scheme to go with. Other than that, my tweets have kept everyone in the loop for the most part on my psycho babble. Once I get back onto updating this more frequently, pending posts will include:

Anal – Not my area of expertise, however, a girlfriend wants to surprise her boyfriend and whatsapped me with, “please blog about this, I’m scared,” so here we are. If you have any tips for her, please share in the comments below.

Vancity Tales – A sex worker has graciously agreed to an interview on escorting in Vancouver for a blog post. Once our schedules finally align, Pandora’s box shall open.

Meeting New People in Vancouver – Somehow will blog about this even though I rotate the same 3 drinking places every weekend.

The things I do for this damn blog – I’ve been asked to do a post on ‘Hinge’ like I did with Tinder. I can’t confirm I’ll actually meet anyone for once, but if I do, here’s to hoping I don’t end up dead on a pig farm somewhere.

Now onto what we’re covering today…

As mentioned in my last post, which I had a LOT of male feedback on (I’m sorry!) – it was only fair for the ladies to have their turn. I felt personally attacked getting a couple of these answers, but I guess it’s only fair after the commentary on men.

Cheers to constantly having a good time in the bedroom. Without further ado…

P.S. – A reminder (especially to the state of Alabama) that abortion is a woman’s right. No uterus, NO opinion.

TL; DR:

Do I even know how to have sex?

LADIES, YOU MIGHT BE A BAD LOVER IF THERE’S…
INITATION ON YOUR PART

Honestly, this is probably the most stressful part of the whole act for a woman. You really wanna say something or make a move, but there’s that little man in your head telling you you may get rejected. Realistically, it probably won’t happen, but we’re over thinkers. Guys initiate bedroom action like 97% of the time so I guarantee you it probably feels pretty good when a woman switches it up. “bUt iF i Do ThIs, I’Ll LoOk tHiRsTy” – guys that like you and emotionally healthy men will see it as enthusiastic and passionate. Just shoot your shot for once – they like the change.

NO PH BALANCE

While your lady bits are supposed to have their own scent, it’s definitely not supposed to be comparable to the Pike Place Fish Market. When I asked around for this article, this was actually one of the top mentioned items. Don’t stress, it can be a common issue – if it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be a whole market for pills that do this kind of thing. A HUGE key factor is what you’re putting into your body – cutting down on red meat, fish and strong spices can make a huge difference, in addition to keeping up with your water intake all day. If you’re interested in tasting better, let me put you on game. Note the following items for a daily juice you can add to your daily diet:

  • 1 Cup Lakewood Organic Pure Cranberry Juice (Actual cranberry juice – the bitter stuff without sugar. The addition of pineapple juice will sweeten it enough)
  • 1 Cup Lakewood Organic Pure Pineapple Juice
  • Fill the rest of the water bottle up with water
  • I squeeze half a lemon into it too for taste, but it’s optional.

I sip on this through the day and trust me, it makes a difference!

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

Dated a girl who really liked to talk dirty but was super awkward about it and would go into long descriptive scenarios that got too real. Like:

Her: “I want you to take me to a nude beach and fuck me in public”
Me: “Yeah? You want to get fucked in front of a bunch of people?”
Her: “Yeah I want them to see you spread my pussy wide open”
Me: “Oh yeah you little slut, you would get off on a bunch of guys jacking off while I fuck you?”
Her: “Yeah and they would all video it with their cell phones, and they’d put it on the Internet”
Me: “Awww yeah then even more people would be jacking off to you you little slut”
Her: “Yeah then my parents would see it and disown me”

I didn’t know what sexy response to that would be so that was kind of the end of it. Another time (this is all her) there was just a steady progression from dirty talk to bad life choices.

“I’m a slut”
“I’m a cock loving slut”
“I love sucking cocks”
“I suck cocks for a living”
“I suck cocks for my job. That’s how I make money, I just suck cocks”
“I dropped out of school and I couldn’t get a real job so I just get paid to suck cocks all day”

[–]stufff via Reddit

NO ENTHUSIASM

One time for the girls giving limp lipped head bobs and looking up at you with the, “Ummm.. why aren’t you screaming in pleasure?” face. Laying there like you would literally rather be anywhere else is just a bad time for everybody involved. Ladies, we covered how often orgasms are faked in the last post, but a lot of the time, that’s a choice you make. You don’t have to just lay there and go with the flow. While whatever position he’s putting you in can feel great for him, he probably wants to do things you like as well.

Is he asking himself the question, “Is she trying to get me off as much as I’m trying to get her off?” …. is he asking himself the question, “Is she dead…?” – might be time to move a muscle, girlfriend. Literally anything that doesn’t feel like having your way with a sex doll is an improvement.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

Ok so I should have mentioned I have a bad habit of dating, and sleeping with very bizarre women. So like 2 years ago I go to this party and I meet this gorgeous woman that looks like a shorter, thinner emilia Clark. I’m immediately into her. So I spend the whole night talking to her and get her to come home with me. Clothes come off, were all over each other, it’s honestly really great. We start having sex in missionary, it’s really hot, shes got a perfect body, thin, toned, smells great, amazing. I try to flip her over and shes like no, I’m cool with it, but this is amazing sex and I like going all out in different positions so I just pick her up for standing sex.

Now I’m like 6ft and kinda muscular, this is like a 5ft 110lb girl. So while were standing I got a hand on her butt and notice something feels weird. Whatever, I keep going then put her on top of me. Again I put my hand on her butt, and feel something weird. I’m very curious about this, and were really into it, so I just pick her right up and flip her around. Tail. So theres this little 2 inch chunk of tail above her butt. I never seen a tail before, so yeah I’m kind of like wtf? I’m thinking this is some of the best sex I ever had, its probably normal, shes gotta be super self conscious about it, fuck it keep going, dont say shit, be the dude.

So we kept going nothing was said, it was a fun time. Now were laying together after, and she says I guess you saw my lump? And I say you mean your tail, yeah but I didn’t really care. She tells me it’s not a tail, it’s too much spine or something. So I say ok and were just chilling. I’m kind of a smart ass without any filter though, so I look over and ask can you wag it? Never saw her again.”

[–]captainswiss7 via Reddit

NO DEAL

You know the drill. I did my survey, but this time on men. While I didn’t find them nearly as savage as the answers I got the last time from the ladies, they might still burn a bit. I collected all the answers as is and posted them below. Ouch.

“When she starts asking you questions about you and her that has nothing to do with the subject at hand. When she doesn’t get involved in participating (just lays there). Doesn’t take direction. Tries to be controlling. Not open to experimenting I.e positions. Can’t handle it when u go a little harder and deeper.. Bad hygiene.”

“When they move too fucking much is my primary annoyance. Like if I’m meticulously slowly going down on you and you’re fucking spastically moving then I can’t perform my work of cunnilingus art now can I?”

“When we fuck at my house and she leaves, but her make up decided to stay.. on my white pillow sheets”
“When I was young, I found girls couldn’t balance pH levels or some shit cuz some girls smell bad and that’s the worst. Like a little sweat after the club or just a hard day don’t phase me but if something is in error, please correct your odour (french accent on that last word)”

“lack of initiative, dead fish”

“STARFISH SALLY”
“her area resembles something that should be served on the menu at jimmy johns”

“never makes the first move”
“Bad faking (I don’t get this often) – If I’m doing something and I KNOW it ain’t feel that good don’t try and sell my ego a false dream. I can feel you cum, I don’t need you to react like you’re squirting to the wall when I’m in missionary for 30 seconds. Because then how will I know when I’m actually doing something great, you’re gonna have to step it up a level? What if you already at peak moaning decibel levels. No one likes a banshee”
“I’m on a drought. Probably a shitty person to ask but when they just lay there, ya that’s shitty”

“No rhythm”
“Squirming and not moaning”

“no blowjob, you gotta go”

Welp. Gonna reread this article with a glass of wine and maybe some tutorials from Pornhub.

That’s it, that’s all, folks. If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:

Dating in the Millennial Era
Are you crazy?
Closing on the first date
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Getting in touch with your sensual side

 Hope you all have a good weekend, and as always, thanks for reading. xoxo