Hellurrrr, it’s my annoying ass again. Did ya miss me?
The saved template I used for today’s post had my blurb about the retrograde last time and OF COURSE we’re in one again. If you’re unfamiliar with Mercury retrogrades, prepare for basically miscommunication galore and all your exes of the past 10 years to hit you up again. Don’t do it, sis. Things new with me include apartment hunting which would be a lot easier if peoples Craigslist postings made literally any fucking sense at all. Why do people with basement suites keep posting them as condos? Why does your post call Whalley ‘the Yaletown of Surrey’? Why are parking stalls so fucking expensive?! *cries in Spanish*
Anyways, it’s been a minute since I’ve written one of these and to be honest I remembered why I stopped after trying to brainstorm an idea for a topic. Thankfully, one of my girlfriends rolled through and suggested a post on foreplay because apparently guys are still trying to stick their dick into you while you’re as dry as a biscuit from Popeye’s.
So if you’re wondering about a few things you’re doing wrong in the bedroom, this may be the post for you. This isn’t the first time I’ve written a post on this and based on my group chat discussions, it definitely won’t be the last. Without further ado…
P.S. I was graciously invited to be a guest on a friends show at SaveOnRadio to talk about my blog a couple of weeks ago. It was definitely a fun experience and kind of made my blog posts look like they may as well be pages from the bible. Discussing vibrators and blowjobs while getting drunk in the daytime is apparently the new wave. If you haven’t listened in to No Fucks Given on Sundays at 12 PM PST then you’re missing out. You can listen to their past shows here.
If you don’t want to get roasted in the girls group chat, read these tips.
YOU MIGHT BE A BAD LOVER IF THERE’S…
If you’ve been using the exact same moves for every girl you sleep with, I guarantee you that you’re receiving at least a few (read: most) fake orgasms. What works for Stacy doesn’t necessarily work for Ashley. Bending Linda with the arthritis’ leg behind her head because Candy the gymnast could do it – yeah, probably a bad time. Don’t take this as, “I’m always gentle. Maybe I should switch it up” and go spit in someone’s mouth during sex. I’m suggesting that we focus on reading the cues a little bit better. Is she pulling you closer? She might want more intimacy. Is she putting your hand on her neck? She might want to be choked. Is she yelling, “Ow, get out of my fucking hair” – she might want you to move your arm ASAP. You may be reading this and saying, “WeLL ShE sHoULdN’t bE FaKiNg hEr OrGaSm” — Well, we’ve probably realized our error in our ways mid-stroke and now just want you to finish so we never have to do this again, bye.
NO MENTAL STIMULATION
Foreplay technically begins before a single touch. Anything from a suggestive text to hint at what’s to come later, or maybe eye contact for a couple seconds longer than normal. It really doesn’t matter, girls fucking LOVE this shit. There’s something so sexy about a man who’s confident in his demeanor towards you and his words. Turn her on mentally and make her crave you.
When I asked around for the biggest way men can be horrible in the bedroom, the most common answer was lack of foreplay. This always confuses me because this doesn’t even happen in porn, sooo… where did y’all learn this at? To get all discovery channel on you for a sec – when women aren’t wet, it actually hurts to have sex. No, your dick didn’t give that girl an early period – trying to shove your dick in while she’s dry as a bone did.
Kissing, touching, teasing – the options are really endless on things to do. You miss all the fun when you race to the finish line. A lot of girls can’t even finish from sex so, you just might be taking away all her fun, period. The goal should be to have her squirming before even taking off her pants, then you’re golden. No squirm? Too soon. Use that as the scale going forward.
I scavengered far and wide… to my group chats to get these answers for you. I did a little survey on my girlfriends, and then they did it on their girlfriends, to find out what makes them think a guy is bad in the bedroom. I collected all the answers as is and posted them below. Let’s just say that this more than highlighted my first point about every girl being v different…
“I hate when they have pussy ass fingering game like they’ve never touched a vagina before. They’re fingering me ever so gently and not even putting their entire finger in, like WTF are you afraid of? I’d rather have a guy who fingers me a little too aggressively than one that walks on egg shells around my pussy.”
“Lack of foreplay. I want to be teased, make me crave it! I’m fairly positive I speak for all females when I say an over eager guy who tries shoving it in when he’s done nothing to get you remotely wet is a dub”
“I don’t like it when they have no rhythm and you’re trying to ride them on top. Then they’re doing their own weird ass dance from below while you’re trying to bounce and can’t match your rhythm. STOP MOVING”
“Finger fucking. Like ew, get your nasty ass fingers away from me”
“When they’re too gentle and soft… and not aggressive or vocal.”
“I slept with this guy once and I love being on top, and every time I would bounce down, he moved down too, so now we’re both moving downwards. His dick was like running away from me, whereas all he needed to do is just keep his dick thrusted forward”
“When he comes too quick”
“TOO SOFT. LIKE BE ROUGH WITH ME ALREADY”
“WHEN HE GOES STRAIGHT TO THE CLIT WHILE EATING OUT”
“WHEN THERE’S NO SENSUALITY”
“WHEN I TRY TO GET HIM TO SLAP ME BY DOING IT TO HIM AND HE DOESN’T PICK UP CUES”
“i need him to use that mouth and stay there until the juices are flowing… not a two licks ok it’s wet cuz of his saliva and just sticks it in. Man handle me…. throw me into position”
“Bad kisser, like you can’t even get to the next round if you’re a bad kisser. Probably can’t even find the clit”
“Asking too many questions… like too much dirty talk”
“Doesn’t kiss my neck. Literally the one that will actually make me cum, fucking asshole”
“Kissing is a big deal, it can make or break it and there MUST be kissing, if there isn’t, its over. One of my main things are foreplay”
“No rhythm… Not adventurous… doesn’t eat pussy… one pump chump”
“Doesn’t like to change positions… Missionary Mike”
Yikes! Hope that didn’t hurt too many feelings. Onwards and upwards, boys.
That’s it, that’s all, folks. If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:
Hope you all have a good weekend, and as always, thanks for reading. xoxo