FRISKY FRIDAY | TINDERELLA

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

I think people truly have no idea how hard it is to write Frisky Friday’s when you stay as home as much as I do. With that being said, I’m lucky enough to receive suggestions from readers during these non-inspirational droughts. One said request came in after I wrote the post last year on Millennials and the weight I gave in that article to dating apps. My familiarity with them at the time was minimal and for the most part from memes and hearing my buddies weekend stories about where they met the girl they were currently banging hanging out with. From there onwards, I started hearing more of my girlfriends picking it up to actually date and I was all, “What?? I thought that was exclusively for fucking?” In any event, my friend said, “Stop ragging on it and try it, you anti-social loser. Go write a post on it since you know everything”. While the sarcasm was unnecessary since I do know everything, I hate to back down on a challenge – the idea, however, did make me nervous because 1) I hate people 2) I love my solitude 3) I sub to r/Tinder on Reddit and really didn’t want to end up on there. However, he did have a point and it got my friends off my back for a hot second that are permanently fixated on trying to set me up with guys they know. Plus, I get to share the knowledge I’ve collected so far and save you the time of doing it yourself. Thus, I went down the rabbit hole that is Tinder. ****This week’s a Double Week – Second post is here.

Now, I didn’t originally start with the notorious dating app. At first, I downloaded something called Bumble – this one only had a shelf life of about twenty minutes. I quickly was reminded how small Vancouver is after literally every third swipe “no” (is it left or right, I can never remember?!) was one of my close guy friends. It was way too awkward, and I knew I was going to get a Whatsapp message from one of them with a safety lecture on meeting guys on the internet, so I got rid of that one ASAP rocky.

Upon deletion, I messaged my girlfriend and she let me know that you can pay extra and set your Tinder profile to anywhere in the world. Well, okay then. I figured I’m in Orange County often enough and if I make some friends out that way, why not? First of all, the beginning of my adventure on Tinder was not a smooth one. No matter how much you know about computers, it can be really hard to remember the easiest of technological tasks sometimes. This is exactly how I ended up swiping the wrong way and liking over 100 guys in the first hour! Fuck. Without further ado, let’s see what else I learned along the way…

TL; DR:

The world scares me.

ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT

Don’t quote me on this statistic, but the most shocking moment was finding basically 7/10 male profiles with a topless selfie. Even worse, it’s not like a “Hey, I’m at the beach and my shirt was off anyway” but more of a, “Hey, I’m gonna get naked right fucking now and take a picture of myself for 10 million people”. While I’m all for people living their life how they want to… your bio saying “looking for a long term relationship” with a close up of your dick imprint in boxers as a profile picture may come off somewhat contradicting.

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

I have to give props where props are due – the ratio of decent opening lines wasn’t actually horrible. About 20% were a generic, “hey, how’s it going?”, maybe 30%-ish were, “hey sexy/gorgeous/nice legs/do you wanna ride my face into next week” but the remaining 50% I’d say really did open with something that I’d consider witty. Humour is probably one of my highest standards, so that’s saying something.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“This girl (we’d been chatting for like a week or so,) hit me up around 10 pm on a Sunday night and said she’d be in my neck of the woods on her way home and wanted to see if i wanted to hang out. I did. So she comes over, and she’s got a bag of Mexican food with her. So i put on an episode of Always sunny, and she busts out a monster bean and cheese burrito and a carne asada quesadilla. She asked if i wanted any, but i had already eaten. So this (skinny, mind you) girl puts down BOTH OF THESE FUCKING THINGS in like 10 minutes. Just destroyed like 2 pounds of food. She wipes her face off, grabs my hand, rubs her tits with my hands, and gets up and goes, “welp, i gotta go, you can tell your friends you at least got something out of it.”

Never to be seen again. I’m still in love with her.”

why you always lying?

If I went by the bios people actually wrote on Tinder, I’d assume every man in the world was 6’2, loved hiking, and has at least 2 dogs. First of all, fuck hiking. Does anyone actually enjoy this activity? Explain yourselves — oh, and show your work. Second of all, where the hell are y’all getting all these dogs?

In any event, if you’re using these apps to legitimately meet someone to date – that person is going to learn very quick if you’ve been lying. You can only play a persona for so long before your true colours show. If you’re using these apps just to fuck… well, go on then.

Three’s Company

While we’ve all heard the term polyamorous more often the past couple of years, I didn’t realize how often I’d see it on Tinder. There are so many couples out there looking for a +1. While it’s not my thing, I don’t like to judge – different strokes for different folks and all that. However, I 100% judge couples with profile photos that included their kids – this is extremely inappropriate. Besides, we’re trying to find ‘zadddyyyy’ – not daddy. Take it and go.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“Friend from class matched with my then girlfriend (now ex). He informed me of the match and proceeded to set up a coffee date. Instead of him showing up to the date, I did. I had the pleasure of watching my girlfriend freak the fuck out.”

IF YOU HAVE A UNIQUE NAME, YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BAD TIME

While every woman on the planet is used to receiving friend requests from spam profiles – after downloading Tinder, I started received many friend requests and messages on Facebook from real men I swiped no to (still unclear on if it’s left or right, clearly) within the vicinity of my chosen location. I ended up confirming it after I asked one of the guys how he found me. While these apps don’t display your last name, a name as strange as mine narrows the search pool quite a bit. I changed my name on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and while I still get the friend requests and messages, it’s exponentially less. On that note, adding anyone off these apps unless they’ve indicated their social media handles in their profiles or personally given them to you is just bad etiquette.

BUT WHO’S YOUR FRIEND?

Every now and then, you will come across a profile with 2+ people in the profile. One you will look at like she/he is destined to be your future bae, and the remainder of the people in the photo, not so much. I don’t know what kind of savage bullshit this is, but I guarantee every single time you swipe to the next picture, it will always be the one(s) you didn’t want. Always. (Does anyone know if it’s bad form to message them asking for their friends contact? Asking for a friend.)

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“We went out for drinks, then walked around the park and was an enjoyable date. I took her home and parked next to her apt. She said I shouldn’t park there because I’ll get towed. I said I only need 3 minutes to walk you to your door. She said seriously, you should park in visitors since you can stay all night and not get towed. I responded that I only need 3 minutes to walk you to your door. I am not a smart man.”

WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS?

(Obligatory, I’m not a stoner) Sometimes I sit back and think about just how far the internet has come. Whether it’s Tinder, Reddit, or Instagram – it’s amazing that we have these apps that connect us to people thousands of miles away. With that being said, a decent conversation sometimes can be hard to come by and it’s definitely something I can appreciate. It’s okay to just make friends if the romantic vibe isn’t there but the witty banter is. Just make sure you aren’t leading anyone on.

Welp, that’s my adventure in the dating app world. While I prefer meeting people organically, I won’t write off dating apps just yet for everybody. Perhaps I’ll even be adult enough to switch my location to local one day. Just kidding, I’ll stick with meeting people face to face.

If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:

Relationships 101 (TOP POST)
What men think women should know
Banging in the Millennial era (TOP POST)
When your relationship’s trash
When your relationship’s trash because of you
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Tips for not double dipping your dick in a crazy side chick
Some lessons on picking up the ladies

Hope you all have a good weekend, and as always, thanks for reading. xoxo