FRISKY FRIDAY | FRISKY RESOLUTIONS

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

Time flies. We’re already into the second week in January and unfortunately, Black Out Ajla did her damage already. Did you know three day hangovers are a thing? Oh, yes… they are. I was having a hard time figuring out what to write this week but luckily a friend requesting advice on Whatsapp late last night brought me a last minute post idea. I have to apologize for any grammatical errors or shitty GIF choices as this was written in under an hour. Actually, I was told this week that if there were a GIF award I’d win it, so I take that back and only apologize for the grammar. In any event, since everyone is so caught up in leaving shitty people in 2017, I thought it would only be fair to share some Frisky Resolutions. Some of these might be a little hard to read, but I find the best advice usually is. Without further ado… the frisky things we’re leaving in 2017.

TL; DR:

“Life is too short for shitty sex and bad relationships. So go find someone who fucks you right and treats you how you deserve to be treated.”

MR. RIGHT NOW

For some reason, some girls just can’t stand to be single and would rather hang out with Mr. Right Now until they feel the great one comes along. The problem with this is weeee (women), by nature, can’t just spend all day, everyday with someone without catching feelings for them. You can deny it all you want but it’s science. So now you’re literally sitting in the energy of someone that is bad for you soaking it all up. What are you gaining out of this partnership? I was out for dinner with a friend and a guy she was seeing and he literally had no idea who our Prime Minister was *screech* bro, what? On that note, stop letting dumb guys put their dick in you. Once you actually accept your solitude and learn how to spend time on your own the way you like to, I promise you it is heaven. It actually becomes harder to date because your standards for a new bae are now competing with your peaceful solitude instead of other men. Trust me, I know; I’ve been single for like 505303 years. Moral of the story: go fuck someone that actually bothers to brush themselves up on current events before you accidentally impregnate yourself with fuck trophies that think Africa’s a country. This resolution counts just as much for men too, though! Stop dating miserable bitches that put you in a bad mood all the time. A rule of thumb should be if she can’t take a joke, don’t let her take the D.

THIS RELATIONSHIP BLOWS

Love is NOT enough no matter what anyone tells you. Are you compatible? Do you share values? Are you friends? Do you trust each other? What kind of character do they have? You can love a lot of people, but it doesn’t mean you’re meant to be with any of them. There is nothing worse than wasting time in a stagnant relationship because you’re both unwilling to move either in the same direction or in opposite ones. As I said, it may be hard to hear but that’s usually the advice we need the most. If you feel you and your bae are still meant to be but in the words of Usher, it just ain’t bumpin’ like it used to, I have some tips on spicing the relationship up here. For the rest of you, it might be time to leave the lover in 2017.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“It’s high school (I couldn’t have been older than 16 or 17), and me and my girlfriend at the time are hanging out in her room watching TV. Her parents are home but they’re busy in the kitchen cooking something, so we decided that we could sneak some “special” time if we were extra quiet. We start getting intimate and a few minutes later we’re both completely naked and going at it like wild animals. We’re talking like 5 star sex here, almost to the point where I don’t care about the noise anymore.

We just changed positions and started anew when I hear a knock on the door and the doorknob starts turning. I cannot describe the sense of dread that came over me as we quickly tried to jump under the covers and cover our nakedness as much as possible, but there’s no hiding what we were doing. I was caught, and her Dad was going to kill me and bury me in the back yard. It was a done deal in my mind. What happened next I will recite verbatim, for it is forever seared in my memory.

Her mother pokes her head in the door. “Oh, sorry to interrupt! (insert my name), I’ve got a tin of cookies here for when you go home.” She then smiles, leaves said tin of delicious cookies (she was a pastry chef), closes the door, and leaves.”

TREAT ME BAD

“I’m not like most guys/girls” “I don’t like drama” Whenever someone says either of these two things, assume immediately that they meant the opposite. Does your S.O. use crying or guilt to get their way with you? Is sex a withholding piece in your relationship? Are they undermining your ability to make decisions for yourself because they’ve indirectly convinced you the things you do/like are stupid or wrong? Are you receiving an ultimatum weekly that if you go out with your friends that your relationship is over? These are all clear signs of emotional abuse but the Millennial meme era has convinced us that this level of “crazy” is cute. If your motivation for doing/not doing something stems from stressing about the consequences – get out now. There’s a difference between respecting their wishes and fearing their reactions. You should be able to live your life, while treating your S.O. with respect, at the same time; these are not mutually exclusive. You are adding undue stress to your life for no reason when there are literally 7 billion+ out there. Stop wasting your years and go date someone that feels like they’re your best friend. Trust me.

FUCK ME BAD

And I’m not talking about that one night stand that was terrible in bed, however, that can stay in 2017 too. I always talk about the importance of foreplay on here, but I’m essentially doing everyone a favour since a ridiculously low amount of women actually cum from P.I.V penetration. Yeah, I said it, your girl’s probably faking. Ladies, would you want your man to be pretending to enjoy having sex with you when in reality, he probably would have came harder with a blow up doll? I’m sure your jaw would feel exponentially better if he simply told you what the key ingredient was to his perfect blowjob. While I understand men are prideful by nature, if you’re mature enough to be having sex, you should be able to handle the talk. Men like a girl to be proactive in bed anyway so maybe the direction would be better received mid-fuck. It’s more work but it’s better to just tell him how to please you then count the bumps on the ceiling simply to stroke his ego. Not to mention, while avoiding hurting someones feelings is nice, you’re basically training the guy how to be an unsatisfying lover. That’s way worse than the short awkward conversation of, “Hey, so this is where the clit actually is and this is how I like it touched.”

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“I was with this girl and she was kind of an emo chick. I can deal with that. She also liked it kinda rough which I was also kind of ok with.

Then we are having sex one night and she wanted me to choke her. So whatever cool I do a little choking and try to make her happy. She keeps saying she wants to be choked harder and harder. I keep doing this and she finally tells me to choke her until she taps me on the shoulder. She wanted to be fucking choked out practically. I finally start choking her the way she wants but at this point I’m scared this girl is going to die. I release my death grip and she slaps me in the face and says “choke me harder you bitch.”

So I just start fucking her and choking her as hard as I can and I’m about to cum. I want to get this shit over with and nope the fuck out. Apparently she could tell I was about to cum and she told me to cum inside her. NO FUCKING WAY was I cumming inside this fucking crazy girl.

So I pull out and cum on her tummy. She is not pleased. She swipes the cum up with her hand and fucking spidermans me. Here I am sitting here with my own cum on my face and this bitch fucking pissed off because I didn’t kill her and risk impregnating her to form a crazy master race. I left and never saw her again.

TL;DR: Fucked a crazy and she spidermanned me with my own semen.”

ON AND OFF EXPRESS

People love to forget the reason they broke up with their ex when they miss having a relationship routine. Trying to make it work just one more time even though there was a blatant display of incompatibility starts sounding like a better idea than VR porn. You paint that huge red flag into a yellow one because maybe you’re bored, maybe you’re lonely, or maybe you just want to get fucked by someone you’re comfortable with. These generally work really well for the first little bit because you’re both on your best behaviour. However, after you’re both comfortable again, you’ll inevitably drop the act and show your true colours again. Coming home late? Not answering calls? Going crazy when you don’t check in every two minutes? Lying? No one changed up here – they just changed back. Let’s leave the toxic turntable in 2017, shall we?

TAMING THE PLAYER

Real relationships don’t start with an ultimatum. One more time for the people in the back… real relationships don’t start with an ultimatum. A man will choose a woman he wants to be with on his own because he wants someone like that as his partner. When you force your fuckbuddy guy to become a relationship guy, you don’t actually change anything but the title. So you’re together now… what does that mean? Will he answer his phone on time? Check in while he’s clubbing? Not fuck other girls? Good luck with that. You can put your foot down and demand a girlfriend title and he might agree – but you’ll inevitably wish you hadn’t. Having a player boyfriend will cause you even more stress because now you have a boyfriend who really doesn’t give a fuck as opposed to a guy you were just fucking who really isn’t even supposed to give a fuck. Some people can’t be tamed by you – stop trying in 2018. Go find you a good one, boo.

SPILLING YOUR OWN TEA

The millennial era loves to treat Twitter and Instagram as their daily journal for some reason and expose their mess for everyone to see. It’s as if a low-key IG dig at my boyfriend with some un-inspirational quote about being unappreciated will solve my problems. No matter the type of friend you have, they aren’t going to want you to be with someone that is mistreating you. You can tell your girls up and down that your man treats you like a Queen, but they don’t care for him like you do, so after he fucks up, he will forever be Satan in their eyes. Men are smart in this sense and keep shit like that to themselves unless it’s old news because they don’t want to look dumb running back to a girl that treated them like shit at one point. Girls, however, can’t wait to tell their story without looking at the bigger picture that anyone you tell will forever remember what your man did. I get that as a gender, we’re natural sharers by natures, but unless you want to hear people constantly question your intelligence then keep who you talk to about your problems exclusive. You should have less than a handful of people that you dish your usual L’s to, but your relationship L’s should be even less than that.

That’s it, that’s all, folks. If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:

Rough sex galore for those who are actually getting some
What it’s like fooling around in the Millennial era
Relationships 101 (TOP POST)
Not being a weirdo on the first date
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Tips for not double dipping your dick in a crazy side chick

Hope you all have a good weekend, and as always, thanks for reading. xoxo