FRISKY FRIDAY | WHOSE MANS IS THIS?

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

I don’t always have anxiety, but when I do, it’s definitely checking my work emails after being out of the office for a prolonged period of time. Luckily, Responsible Ajla wrote this post last week so Procrastination Queen Ajla wouldn’t have to deal with two deadlines at once. Go me! Now, I told y’all last week the men would get their day in the sun, didn’t I? As usual on Frisky Friday’s, no one is safe. Gather round, boys & girls, today we’re covering everything from foreplay to one night stands.

I know I make a lot of jokes on here about how crazy girls can be – takes one to know one and all that. As a female, I can admit to not always being rational, however, I haven’t stabbed a boyfriend yet though, so there’s that. Moving on, while women can be known to, for the lack of better words, “lose their shit” over minor things – sometimes, men just miss the minor clues. Today we delve into just a few of things the ladies wish you guys knew. Without further ado… P.S. Thank you everyone for messaging me re: my first post back. Love you lots.

TL; DR:

Bitches be cray.

DOESN’T COUNT AS ROUGH SEX

Considering all these years we’ve all spent watching porn (Not anymore, thanks to the FCC. American friends, have you contacted Congress yet regarding Net Neutrality?) – it’s amazing that some of us still have no idea what we’re doing. I don’t know what kind of struggle-fucking videos everyone’s watching, but touching a woman down there like you’re trying to aggressively get a stain out of your shirt is no bueno. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, if you can scratch the inside of your cheek with your nail, then your nails are way too long to be poking around inside someone. I have absolutely zero doubts some of you are currently fingering your mouth at work while your co-workers are watching you. Please stop.

HOLD THE MOAN

While already on the subject of sexy times, I understand you were probably conditioned to be quiet and perform ninja masturbation, but you’re not jerking off in your parents house anymore. It’s okay to make noise. It’s actually welcomed so a woman knows whether you’re enjoying what is happening or if you’re mentally replaying the Lakers game. Is this good for you? We have no clue.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“Had a girl over and started having sex. It was great, and after a half hour I’m close to finishing. Part of the reason we started is because it was raining outside and she was turned on by it, the sound. During my vinegar strokes, a big lightning strike comes through the window and glows on my face. And as a I let out the last thrust, the loudest thunder crack you’ve ever heard rattles the house as I’m climaxing. I’ll never forget the look on her face. It was awesome.

TL;DR She had sex with Thor.”

WARM ME UP, SCOTTY

Anticipation is key. Almost all of a woman’s orgasm is contributed to mental foreplay. Is everyone skipping through the first 10 minutes of every porn ever? Honestly, just calm the fuck down. Enjoy the scenery before you cum all over it, you savages.

FRIDAY’S AT THE ARCADE

Let me be clear… there’s nothing wrong with a man that wants to spend his time with a new chick every weekend. Do you, boo; wear protection. However, there’s everything wrong with a guy that talks game to these girls and implies something more serious in order to get their target into bed. Treating people with the basic level of respect shouldn’t need to be mentioned but this is how women get that crazy title. People generally assume 1+1=2 and not actually saying the words is semantics; it’s in your behaviour and you know what you’re doing. If you’re grown, you can be clear on what is and isn’t happening. Otherwise, you’re just hurting people for no reason. Also, you’re now wondering why you got stabbed by the latest notch on your belt – welp.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“One time in college, this girl I knew from high school drove up from my hometown to visit. We had always flirted throughout our senior year but never took it any further than that. The point is, she was coming up for sex. But I knew with my hair-trigger penis and crippling ineptitude in bed that she would ultimately be disappointed and realize the 4-hour drive just wasn’t worth it.
The solution? Get good and drunk.

You’re supposed to be numbed when you’re drunk, right? Supposed to be able to last longer, right? Well, nobody told my stupid dick that.

We made out for a bit. It was sloppy because I was pretty woozy. It was cool though because maybe I’ll last a whole minute, I thought to myself. Anyway, she unzips my pants and I do that whole look-up-at-the-ceiling thing to enjoy the b.j.
In my alcoholic haze, I hear, “What the fuck?”

I look down. I had shot my load pretty much immediately. Apparently I’m immune to whiskey dick. My cum got in her hair. Then I threw up on myself.
I never heard from her again.”

HOT LINE NOT BLINGING

Unrequited love is painful. Maybe it’s that co-worker that you’ve had a crush on forever; maybe it’s the girl that slept with you that didn’t really think it was that great. Whatever your flavour, sometimes the girls just not digging it. Women are so used to the nice guy switch being flipped when they express their disinterest to a man that we generally avoid it. Just because you are a “nice guy” doesn’t make a woman obligated to date you, nor does it make a woman a bitch for not wanting to date you. If a girls curving you, it can be blatantly obvious based on her responses. This does not mean try harder.

THIS PEDESTAL IS TOO DAMN HIGH

While the goddesses on Instagram may have everyone twisted – for the most part, we are not some mysterious, ethereal creatures that you need to use a cheat code to communicate with. I, for example, look like a gremlin when I wake up in the morning – takes me down a couple notches, huh? Unless she’s a grade A bitch, most girls are not going to be like “Who does this creep think he is trying to talk to me?” – If she is, she’s the one with the problem, not you. Just shoot your shot, homie.

SIMON SAYS…

In many Western cultures, women often communicate passive aggressively because they are often taught to be submissive people pleasers. For example, if a woman asks, “Do you want to stop and get something to eat?” and turns into a raging cunt when your only answer is “no.” She is trying to tell you to stop because she is hungry, but not trying to sound bossy. Men are more direct in their communication because they are not penalized as being bossy or bitchy or what have you. Both sexes actually project their way of communicating onto the other, which is why women will try to read way too much into what you say. Also, we’re just fucking crazy.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“In the early 2000s I lived in Chicago w/ a fling of a girlfriend that just happened to have a thing for facials… So, one night I finished her off, she went to the bathroom to “clean up” and then came to bed. The next morning we wake up and get surprised that her Father made breakfast. As I sat down, because she offered to bring me a plate, she went up, stood next to her Father, and started shoveling the food. Her Father, w/out pausing, glanced at her, licked his thumb and said, “Hun… You have something on your face.” He then proceeded to wipe his thumb on something on her face. Two and two didn’t click at this point and being a Daddy’s girl she didn’t flinch away. He proceeded to RE-LICK his thumb and continue to rub “the crusties” away. Her jaw dropped, she went silent, and then ran off down the hall to the bathroom.”

GOAL DIGGER VS. GOLD DIGGER

I touched on this before, but the independent girl really doesn’t care about whether or not you have a lot of paper. The independent girl is way too busy working to pay attention to whether or not your belt is Hermes. With that being said, we pay all the attention to whether or not you have your credit in check. If I objectively have my shit together, it’s not wrong of me to be expecting financial “shit-togetherness” in men I want to date. Gold-digging would be expecting your partner to pay your way while you sit on your ass. Goal digging is being a hardworking, fiscally responsible person who wants to be with somebody who shares those values.

WHAT DO U MEAN?

Men can often get confused when women say “you don’t do anything for me” – Unless you’re dating a Vancity Special, we don’t mean monetarily – what we really mean is you’re lacking thoughtfulness. Have you taken a genuine interest lately in your conversations? Done what you said you will? Been mentally present when you’re hanging out? Being thoughtful in a relationship is basically showing someone with your actions, “I give a shit about you.” If you’re not doing things to show you give a shit about someone, you probably don’t. Giving a shit entitles doing exactly that. If it doesn’t come naturally well…. there ya go.

That’s it, that’s all, folks. If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:

Relationships 101 (TOP POST)
What men think women should know
Banging in the Millennial era (TOP POST)
When your relationship’s trash
When your relationship’s trash because of you
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Tips for not double dipping your dick in a crazy side chick
Some lessons on picking up the ladies

Did I miss anything? Leave a comment on what what other things you think men should know! Hope you all have a good weekend, and as always, thanks for reading. xoxo