Not sure who’s come back more times after retirement at this point – me or Jay-Z. As usual, if you don’t really care about the break, collect 200 and skip 2 paragraphs. For those that do, it really isn’t that exciting. I took a break to write scripts for a tv show idea I had. While I had so much fun doing that, I definitely need a break after writing episode upon episode. And what better way to take a breather than to dish out unsolicited advice, ya know? Thank you to everyone that asked me on my hiatus when I was coming back. I really didn’t think I was, but this blog feels like a strange on/off relationship at this moment. Maybe I should just write about my toxic relationship with my blog? Oops, showing my crazy…
Anyway, last Halloween, my post was directed at providing some pick-up tips to guys. This week, we’re focusing on the ladies and things men wish you knew. Some may be common sense, but even as a girl, I can confirm this list did hit some of my level of crazy. If you’re wondering why I’m referencing Halloween, this post was supposed to be released then, but of course, I was lazy as hell. SO, without further ado…
Necessary Disclaimer: Not all of you are this crazy. Put your pitchforks down. The men will get their post too.
Knives are meant for the kitchen, not for your boyfriend after he doesn’t answer your text.
1. PRESS PLAY
A post that really resonated with my female readers was the one about never getting laid. With that being said, I find my girlfriends that complain the most about never getting laid though are the ones in long term relationships. But, have you made a move recently, girlfriend? I know you’re reading this and thinking, “Umm, I do ALL the time and he never gets my hints” – Life hack: touching a guys back isn’t the obvious “come fuck me” signal to a man that it is to us. Even worse, I know that single shoulder tap causes the stress levels to fully max out because:
a) You’re horny and he isn’t understanding that the love tap meant it was go time. Oh my god, he’s cheating, isn’t he?
b) You’re also now insecure because hello, why did he not try and have sex with you after you touched his back?!
But… but… if a sign isn’t obvious… it isn’t really a sign, is it? Ladies, literally all you have to do is touch his penis. I know it’s scary, but I promise it works. Ask a man; they’ll confirm.
2. GAS UP YOUR MAN
I’ve written about this before, but it’s probably still the most common question I get. Ladies: Give compliments where they’re due. Just like we like to hear how good we look, men do too. You, I’m sure, understand how much it helps on the self-esteem. I get that as women, we can be conditioned not to be very forward, such as if a girl expresses too much interest (texts, compliments, Instagram likes *I hate this generation*), she’s seen as clingy or crazy. It’s as if women are something to be conquered, and if we’re complimenting a man, it sets off some fire alarm and the interest is gone. This. Does. Not. Happen. And if it did, the guys a douche anyways that’s there to play games. There is such a thick line between looking interested and looking crazy to a man that you could be standing there with a butcher knife and he’d probably still be like, “Hey babe, you cooking something?”. I compliment the hell out of my man because he’s wonderful and deserves it. And if you want me to be honest… if you aren’t, who is?
I would probably date someone that jerked off to dolls before I dated someone again that required deciphering the true meaning of their words. Ladies, if you say the words “I’m fine” and a man assumes that you meant you were fine – you cannot start lighting shit on fire because you were in fact, not actually fine. Men are a literal group – they don’t metaphorically say “I’m going for a beer” so why do you metaphorically say you are ‘fine’? If you want to have adult conversations then you need to use your words. Subtle hints usually don’t work. STRONG hints usually don’t work. Just… I don’t know… tell them what the problem is. That. That works.
4. BABE, FUCK OFF FOR A SEC, K?
Sometimes men just want to be left alone. This is not the same thing as not wanting to be with you and you shouldn’t take it as such. However, we wouldn’t be women without treating it like we’ve been abandoned or our men have failed to include us in their lives. Sometimes, men just want to be left alone. Maybe he wants to jerk off and play Call of Duty for 15 hours while calling 13 year olds “faggots” over the internet in peace. The end.
5. DO YOU WANNA PLAY A GAME?
While a chase can be fun, playing hard to get can easily make a man think you aren’t interested. It could take weeks to build up the courage to ask you out on a date, and if you say something like “I’ll think about it..” in an attempt to not seem very interested, they’re probably going to think you’re uninterested and never ask again. Especially with the current #metoo situation, no one wants to wake up to a Facebook post about them being a creep for asking you out again. On that note, mentioning how many guys are chasing you doesn’t create the narrative of “Shit, I better try harder” but instead, “That sounds like it’d be drama. Better skip this one”
6. PUT ME IN THE GAME, COACH.
One more time for the people in the back, nobody wants to feel like they’re fucking a corpse. Is that a face of pleasure? Is it a face of pain? I don’t know because you won’t say anything. Literally say anything. Sex is a team sport. On that note, erections need to be fed. Things don’t just get up and stay there after someone’s been going down on you for twenty minutes. DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Last but not least, stop playing dead when it’s your turn to get on top. Come on, now.
That’s it, that’s all, folks. If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:
Banging in the Millennial era (TOP POST)
When your relationship’s trash
When your relationship’s trash because of you
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Tips for not double dipping your dick in a crazy side chick
Some lessons on picking up the ladies
Did I miss anything? Leave a comment on what what other things you think women should know! Hope you all have a good weekend, and as always, thanks for reading. xoxo