Hey, everyone! My first Frisky Friday before I’m off to vacation next week. I will be laptop free so no Frisky, but I’m sure it’ll be good for my brain to pick up some new topics. Nothing like a little sunshine and alcohol to refresh the ol’ noodle. So, I’ve written before about tips I had for men when it came to approaching women, but today’s post is little different. You see, I recently had a conversation with a friend in regards to a DM I received. No, it wasn’t a dick pic. However, it was a guy that was clearly having a one-sided conversation and wasn’t getting a clue from the fifteen messages I hadn’t replied to. This made me stop and think about all the types of guys that I come across on a night out. While everyone is different, as is their approach, I really think I was able to narrow them down in 6 categories. Am I wrong? Maybe. Am I hoping that this will change at least one man’s approach on a night out? Definitely. Apparently, I have to add this since many don’t understand the point of satire – Please note, not ALL men are like this.
Without further ado…
It’s a no from me.
THE DOUCHEBAG ONE
Hey, remember a while back when I told you women like confident men? Okay so, there’s a fine line between being confident and just being a douchebag. As a woman, it can be refreshing to have a confident guy walk up to you and strike a conversation. The difference lies in the behaviour of a man after a woman says she isn’t interested. A confident man understands the brush off and the douchebag totally doesn’t comprehend that you wouldn’t be into him. You see, The Douchebag thinks he has to do the bare minimum to get a girl to go home with him; that just by existing, your legs slide open like a broken zipper. Lol, no.
THE YOU OWE ME ONE
These guys are a special species because they don’t let you forget that they gave you something. The ones that buy you a drink and assume they’ve won for the night. You know how it works, he comes up to you and asks to buy you a drink; over conversation, you realize you two don’t really mesh. Naturally, you then try to go find your friends and he literally makes you regret ever talking to him. He makes you feel as though you owe him something by saying things like, “Oh, so you’re one of THOSE girls.” *screeeeech* Kay. So. If there was ever a ‘Top 5 Things You Can Say To A Girl That’ll Make Her Drier Than The Sahara’ list, saying, ‘You’re one of those’ is for sure number 3. It’s right behind, ‘I have chlamydia’ and, ‘I fucked your sister’. So to Mr. ‘You’re One of Those Girls’, you can have the $7 back and go fuck your hand instead, kthxbye.
THE DRUNK ONE
This is the guy that hits on you but he just can’t seem to keep his drink in his hand on or the table. I swear I’m not talking about myself. In any event, at first, he seems kinda fun, but you quickly realize he’s slurring his words and speaking gibberish. How do you know? Well, the drunk one is a close talker; extra points if he has beer breath. He wouldn’t be the drunk one if he at some point didn’t convince himself that you were interested in going home with him. Like, hello? Why would you NOT go home with this burping Neanderthal that spilled a red dragon all over your legs and didn’t even apologize? It’s a no from me, Whiskey Dick. Maybe try a girl at The Roxy.
THE OVERCOMPENSATING ONE
It’s understandable that in a city of Vancouver Specials, some men can feel as if they are held to an obscene financial standard. That in order to be impressive, you have to make sure to come across as wealthy – yeah, no. As I’ve noted previously, you don’t have to be rich to get a girl. And on that note, perhaps I’m in the land of old school etiquette with this, but talking about money is, and will always be, in poor taste. This is where the term ‘new money’ comes from. The Overcompensating One is literally that person that decks themselves in monogrammed Gucci the second they’ve acquired a decent amount of money. He is also the most obnoxious of all the Ones and thinks he could have the face of a hairy vagina and still lock down a bedmate for the night. On top of that, he’ll spend the whole night talking about what he drives, how much money he makes, and other things that literally no one gives a fuck about. What’s he doing while he’s talking? Waving his arm around like a retarded monkey in hopes of his Rolex getting noticed. Dude, no one here cares about your car. You want to impress me with money? Go pay my parking tickets.
THE FULL OF HIMSELF ONE
If you’re trying to pick up a woman, it’s easy to get caught up and feel that you have to “sell yourself” the whole time. BUT, if you talk about yourself too much, especially bragging, she’ll probably think you’re a douche canoe. If your conversation basically sounds like a monologue, this is a huge clue that you’re being that douche. Unfortunately, this is also a clue missed by many. The Full of Himself One is very similar to the The Overcompensating One since they both love to talk about themselves while their audience wants to kill themselves. Yes, please tell me more about your life that I don’t care about. These guys are also infamous for namedropping and will say shit like, “Hey, should we pop over to Granville? I’m friends with the owner at XX and I can get us in. He loves me. We were out all night last week.” Ugh, dude. I’ve been partying since I was youngin’ and did molly with the best of them, fuck off.
THE NO COMMON SENSE ONE
Unfortunately, I have to shame myself while using this as an example; Catch 22 and all that. I was on my way home from an afterparty and ended up at 7-11 at 7 AM to load up on Gatorade, mind you still decked to the nines. The man behind me clearly thought THIS was the exact time to practice his casanova moves. In his defense, I was at the 7-11 on Kingsway & Joyce and basically dressed like a hooker, albeit an expensive one.
7-11 Casanova: Hey, gorgeous… Can I buy you a coffee?
Me: No, I’m okay. Thank you.
*a minute passes while the man infront of me takes 15 years to deliberate between a corndog and a taquito*
7-11 Casanova: Are you sure? I’ll buy you the large size.
Me: Really, dude. I’m okay.
*This guy really still hasn’t chosen between a fucking corndog and taquito. PICK THE FUCKING TAQUITO, the corndogs are never cooked through fully*
7-11 Casanova: Girl… come on. Just a coffee.
Me: Do you think I just woke up and got dressed like this? I’ve been drinking for the past 10 hours, I’m not having coffee with you!
*Cashier starts ringing me through*
7-11 Casanova: …but I’ll get the large?
Yikes! This can really be narrowed down to knowing when/where is an appropriate time to pick someone up. The No Common Sense One has no awareness of things like this. He can also frequently be found at the gym and is the reason why ladies only sections are a thing. He can also be found hitting on a girl next to her boyfriend. These are also the ones that probably watch porn on their workstations. Dear Mr. No Common Sense, pay attention to your surroundings.
That’s it, that’s all, folks. If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:
Debunking horrible sexual advice
Really, really embarrassing sex questions you didn’t want to ask
The filthiest sex questions you DID ask
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Some lessons on picking up the ladies
Leave a comment on what suggestions you have for our friends that might feel like they fall into one of these categories. Hope you all have a good weekend, and as always, thanks for reading. xoxo