FRISKY FRIDAY | ALL YOUR FAULT

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

I swear there was never a better time for me to use the below gif. Hello! Frisky Fridays is back-ish from an extended vacation. If you’re like me and don’t really give a shit about the hiatus, collect $200 and proceed down two paragraphs. For the rest, let me explain; It was me, not you. While I’m the type that likes to move in silence… Actual silence, not *posts motivational picture on Instagram letting everyone know I’m moving in silence* silence – I figured I’d give at least somewhat of an update since I decided to pull a Houdini. What did I do with my time off, you ask? You probably didn’t, but fuck it anyway. I’ve been working out and eating better. I know, right? Me! The girl that tells you all to do Adderall and cocaine instead of exercising. Check for flying pigs, everyone. In other news, I was also able get in with a volunteer position that I’ve been wanting forever… started my book project… and finally relearned my German. So if anyone wants to be my kinky German penpal… Hi! Just kidding, you don’t have to be German for that.

With all that being said, I’m hoping Frisky Fridays will be a weekly thing, but I’m not going to stress over it. You might get your advice on anal next week, or maybe you’ll get it next month. She’ll come when she’s ready… See what I did there? Okay, enough about me. Let’s talk about your fucked up relationships. Without further ado…

My most popular post to date was one I wrote on Millennial dating. This was not meant to be a piece providing my reader with a scapegoat for being unhappy in relationships. My writing was merely an observation. Similar to a visit at the zoo and watching monkeys jerk off while staring at you, but instead it’s watching my generation try to navigate their love lives. A generation that loves to be offended, but even more so, loves when others collectively feel the same. I’ve recently read a lot of articles on the ‘hook-up culture’ as media and bloggers like to call it. This included articles upon articles of people clinging to this term as an excuse for their shortcomings. Perhaps it comes from the assurance one feels when an audience sides with them? Who knows. I, on the other hand, am not here to tell you that our generation is the reason you’re lonely. If your love life sucks, it’s your own fault.

TL; DR:

We’re all adults. Let’s act like it.

SCAPEGOAT VICTIM #1 – TINDER

Although I haven’t used it myself, I know enough about Tinder to know what it’s used for. In case you don’t, it’s for fucking. Not 1-800-BAREBACK-FOR-300-DOLLA fucking. More like, “hey, let’s pretend we’re going on a date so this isn’t full-on slutty” fucking. But hey, I don’t rag on apps like Tinder; they seem efficient and straight to the point. Back in my day, we didn’t have these fancy social media fuck quests (I still miss MSN, though). We actually had to rely on blatant cues that someone was promiscuous or ready to mattress dance like, “are you gonna come up for coffee?”. Yes, our coffee is your Tinder; therefore, it is not scapegoat material. One cannot blame an app that is known for bang hangs, heavy on the bang, wondering why a relationship did not come of it. Say I have a tasergun and I start juggling it around in the air, trying to catch it like an idiot (sounds like something I’d do, tbh). I know what it does, but fuck it, this situation might be different. Hey, guess what… I got tasered.

Somewhat unrelated, but I couldn’t not mention it. My hatred for radical feminism runs deep, as y’all know. In any event, in my research for this post, I read an article that classified Tinder as being misogynistic. My first thought was, as usual, that most people that use that word seem to have no idea what it means. That was then followed by the thought that people seem to think they’re empowering women by referring to things as misogynistic. To be honest, it really just sounds like they’re calling women dumb. We continue to want equal gender roles for women, but can’t fathom the idea that they’d willingly scavenger for sex? How the fuck does that work? Dear, Vanity Fair, Women like fucking too.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“We were on the bed and i tried to pick her up and fuck her against the wall (while standing on the bed). I didnt know her bed was on wheels.
Bed slides out and we go into the gap, my forehead breaks her nose and splits her lip..”

SCAPEGOAT #2 : BUT THE ARTICLE SAID…

Your recent fling dumped you. What’s your Saturday night plan? An article written by some fuckboy intern at Buzzfeed on Zodiac sign compatibility. Admitting that you’re a psychopath that might not be someone’s type? Lol, fuck no. Clearly there are more obvious reasons, such as our signs not aligning and the sun/moon peaking at dawn in certain time zones, which OBVIOUSLY caused both of your tempers to flare when your chakras weren’t heated. I don’t even know what the fuck I just said, but did I sound crazy? Great. That’s what people sound like when they use astrology as a reason for a break up. Is it so hard to accept that someone just isn’t into us? Articles written by some douches on their lunchbreak denied as scapegoat material. On another note, these people always seem like they’d be the real freaks in bed. Can someone confirm?

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“In college my ex was riding me sitting with her legs wrapped around me.
I picked her up and pushed her up against the wall….and put her half way through the flimsy dry wall back first.
We finished though because I ain’t no quitter.”

SCAPEGOAT #3: AT LEAST I’M NOT ALONE

These are my favourite people in a relationship. You know those friends. They always text you with, “Holy shit. I hope my S.O. goes out with her/his friends tonight before I lose my mind”. And then they hit you with the “I don’t know… at least I’m not alone” when you ask why they stay together. I will never understand this since I love my solitude so much. I love it so much that I’d probably stab someone in the neck that made me felt uncomfortable in my own living quarters. The last thing I want to do after working all day is not look forward to going home, and people willingly do this? As if these people weren’t bad enough – on the other side of the spectrum you have the friends whose S.O. doesn’t let them do anything. You dream about being an adult all your kid life only to have to ask for permission all over again as one. But, wait… right in the dead center between both these two miserable circles – we have the real psychopaths. The scariest of the scary… the ones that stopped fucking. They don’t like eachother THAT much that they won’t even pretend for orgasms. Why do all these people stay together? Who fucking knows. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

I asked my wife to call me Papi/Poppy during sex and forgot about the request.
A few days later she yelled out “ohh Papi”, I stopped my fantastic moves and looked her in the eye and said “Who the hell is Bobby?”

SCAPEGOAT #4: I’M JUST PICKY

You know why relationships feel so great in the beginning? Because you feel that jolt of validation that says, “Someone likes me so I must be worthy!” Alas, it won’t last. Self-esteem and validation can only come from yourself. You cannot receive ‘self-love’ through another person and it comes down to whether you love yourself or not. The worst partner to have is one that does not. When that honeymoon jolt fades and the partner realizes that the self-loathing is STILL there and wasn’t fixed by their new beau, that’s when they start trying to mold them. Ex. “If I just make her stop talking to other girls/guys, then I’ll know he/she only loves me and then I’ll feel validated!” and that continues…until the other thoughts rear in, “Do I want to date a person that just lets me walk all over them like this? I want a man’s man that doesn’t let me talk shit/a woman with self respect” …. It’s a cycle of shitting on yourself and the person you’re with. Do I really have to say that this isn’t a scapegoat? Get help.

On that note, being happy with yourself is probably the most important element of being happy in a relationship. If you require another person to be happy then you’re placing an undue burden on your S.O. It’s much easier to make someone happy when they’re not counting on you to do it day after day. If you’re dating someone new, stop trying to evaluate them to decide if they’re the one. Enter relationships naturally and let them run their course naturally. It’s literally that easy.

Treat one another nicely. Communication is key, y’all. If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:

Debunking horrible sexual advice
Really, really embarrassing sex questions you didn’t want to ask
The filthiest sex questions you DID ask
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Some lessons on picking up the ladies

That’s it, that’s all, folks. Leave a comment on what suggestions you have for our friends that need help with the ‘hook-up culture’. Thanks for reading! xoxo