FRISKY FRIDAY | VALENTINE’S DAY EDITION

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

Valentine’s Day can be one of the most stressful holidays for many. For singles, it’s because you’re blatantly destined to be alone forever. For couples, it’s having to live up to these mystical expectations that drain all the romance the holiday is meant to have. While I would love for February 14th to be abolished and replaced with a second Thanksgiving, albeit my already too-snug jeans would not – it’s evident that it’s not going to happen. Today I’m giving tips to those celebrating this glorious day with their significant other. A day so glorious, it makes women freak out over what shade of brown to buy Gucci loafers for their boyfriend when really he just wants to be the mayor of titty city for the day. Okay, okay… I won’t poke fun. Read along for my tips for those sufferi- I mean, spending the day with their loves. Happy reading, kids!

TL; DR:

If you’re expecting this post to list some shit like buy your girlfriend a Chanel bag, it’s not going to happen.

STAY THE FUCK AT HOME

Over the years, a mental image of Valentines day has been imprinted in brains everywhere. A painted picture that you’re supposed to eat at a restaurant no lower than 3 Michelin stars. Oh, and we can’t forget finishing the night with diamonds and sex on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Yeahhh… no. Going out to eat is likely the most horrific decision you can make on this day. Let’s just dub it the Black Friday for restaurants. Wait times are insane, even if you have reservations, and the entire situation is like an endurance rush for the entire staff. Chances are it’ll be one big rushed dining experience that you wouldn’t have on a regular night. This isn’t fauIt of the staff, it’s just fucking busy. Skip the overpriced dinner on speed and stay at home tonight.

MOVIE NIGHT

Going to the movies on Valentine’s Day? Fuck that. I don’t even like going during a matinee where there might be at max. three people in the entire theatre. With this attitude, is it a surprise that I’m single? In any event, I’m a nerd and generally have a gaggle of acquaintances that own projectors I can borrow. If you do too, borrow (or rent one if you don’t) and set it up in your living room/bedroom, or any space with 5 feet+ of distance. If you live in Vancouver, you likely read that and went, “Bitch, who has 5 feet of space in their apartment?” Don’t worry, I gotchu. If your place is the size of a walk-in closet, you should look for a short throw projector. These are good to go for small spaces. Frisky Friday bonus points if you build a pillow fort that you can fuck in.

AT LEAST IT DIDN’T HAPPEN TO YOU…

“OK. You know those old Electrolux, rolling vacuum cleaners? I discovered that by laying on top with a pillow underneath and sticking my dick just barely in the hole, the vacuum would both suck and vibrate my dick. I wasn’t full grown at the time so it still fit. Actually, my relationship with Electro may have contributed to my present size. Anyway, you can imagine this was a pretty loud thing to do. So I was alone in the house one afternoon and no one was supposed to be home for a couple hours and I figured I’d put on a porno (VCR at the time) and have my way with Electro. Midway, the den door opens and there stands my Mom, little brother, little sister, and my best friends little sister, all staring at me with expressions ranging from horror (Mom) to amusement (sister and friend) to interest (brother). I jumped up with a raging hard-on and ran through the other door and down to my room, leaving the porno running. I don’t remember the scene but it was the super dirty one that was always at the end of the tapes those days. My room had a door to the outside so I put on some clothes and bailed. My step dad tracked me down a few hours later and tried to make me feel better by telling me a story of how he got caught when he was a kid. That just added to the awkward. Eventually I made it home and from everyone’s expression I could tell that they had been lectured to never mention it again.”

BETTER THAN HALLMARK

One of my favourite thing to do on really any special occasion is to make cards for people. I know what you’re thinking and fuck you, I’m not a softy. A card written from the heart is always pleasant, especially compared to those overpriced Carlton cards that always say some sappy shit nobody even means. I found this link with some cute and funny ideas. It will literally take you 15 minutes to copy one and make it yourself. You’re welcome. Oh, and I saved you $5 so you owe me a grande non-fat London Fog, kthxbye.

KINKY KOUPONS

Again, fun and FREE idea to do. Instead of the usual materialistic shit you’d give your love, this won’t even cost you a thing. A quick coupon book with a bunch of random stuff that can either be an inside joke or something dirty if you’re bout that life. There are printable coupons online for both him and her for the lazy. A lot of girlfriends tend to express their stress over the best V-day gift ever for their boyfriend. To be honest, all he probably wants is some peace and quiet. Maybe a blowjob. Don’t make it complicated.

Coupon Examples
– Do all the laundry
– 30-minute back massage
– Slide through the backdoor
– Actually choose a place to fucking eat

Please note, these are not an excuse to give your boyfriend oral once a year. Many things in your coupons SHOULD be things you’re already doing in your relationship.

AT LEAST IT WASN’T YOU…

“One day when I was in kindergarten, there was a girl that I had a little crush on. At least as much of a crush that a five year-old can have, I suppose. The teacher summoned us to the floor area, where she sat on a chair to read to us or something. I wanted to sit next to said crush, but she wanted to sit next to her friend. What did my rational 5 y/o mind do? Cry. Yep, I bawled my eyes out because she didn’t want to sit next to me. Naturally, the teacher stopped and asked me what was wrong. After my blubbering story about her rejecting me (in front of the whole class), she forced the girl to let me sit next to her.

Bonus Cringe: I forgot to tell my mom that we were doing a show-and-tell about with a theme of collections. So at the last minute I decided to take all the tupperware lids to school. So for all my class knew about me, I collected tupperware lids and cried about not being able to sit next to girls.”

“NO, I JUST WANT TO BUY HIM SOMETHING!”

If you’re a lady that is determined to go the materialistic route for your man – no harm, no foul. Please see below the checklist for buying gifts for men. Are you ready?

– Is it useful?
– Does he already have it?
– Does it fill them with nostalgia?
– Can he eat it?
– Can he fuck it?
– Is it shiny?

The more categories you can nail, the better the gift.

AT LEAST IT WASN’T YOU…

“I was at a club, and the part we were at was kinda lame. So I was a little drunk and walked over to what seemed like another room in the club. I am walking with these three girls behind me and as I am crossing over to the room, this other guy is walking opposite to me. We kinda do that stupid dance when you run into someone in the hallway or whatever. I laughed, so did he, then I thought “why the fuck isn’t he out of my way yet?” Then I noticed he was wearing the same shirt as me.
It was a fucking mirror.”

HEY LADY, ZERO OBLIGATIONS

If you really want to avoid the stress of it all, pick your own Valentine’s Day or stay in. Send your boyfriend some dirty snaps at random times throughout the day. Eat a home cooked meal or order your man’s favourite take out. That thing that bothers you slightly that you constantly bring up? Don’t bring up that thing for one whole day. Binge watch a show on Netflix with a bunch of snacks. Add sex and go to sleep.

TL;DR: Don’t make it complicated.

Hope you guys had fun reading my Valentines day tips! I hope these work out for those of you that usually consider this a stressful occasion. If you’re one of those that are sad and lonely for V-Day, fret not: www.pornhub.com.

If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:

Rough sex galore for those who are actually getting some
What it’s like fooling around in the Millennial era
Some NSFW Q&A
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Not being a weirdo on the first date
When you haven’t had sex in so long, you’re a born again virgin **CONSIDERED MOST RELATABLE BY FEMALE READERS**

That’s it, that’s all, folks. Leave a comment on what suggestions you have for our friends for this Valentine’s Day. Thanks again to everyone that’s been sharing my blog or sending me messages on how much they like reading it. Have a great weekend!