FRISKY FRIDAY | FIRST DATE SUCCESS

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

Hi, everybody! I hope everyone had an amazing NYE! Mine was great since I totally forgot it was New Years Eve, but still had time to celebrate it with my friends. It also came with a creepy run-in with a random downtown, alcohol spilled all over my legs (Did I mention I wasn’t drinking?) , and an Irish goodbye by 1 AM. Further updates with me include expanding my rabbit family, a new business in the works, and my favourite – a weekend itinerary full of computer games and laundry. I know, I know – who fucking cares. Let’s get to it! My last post in regards to dating in the Millennial era was my most shared and viewed post thus far. My favourite part, though was the questions that it posed. Especially my favourite; “Well, what are we supposed to date like?”

I’m glad the question came so we can talk about it today. If dating isn’t your thing and you like to go straight to the good stuff, head on over here for bedroom etiquette. Otherwise, keep reading for my tips on the first date shuffle. Happy reading, kids!

TL; DR:

If you don’t behave on the first date, I hope you like to masturbate.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

As mentioned in my last post, our era can have blinders on when it comes to what we think our relationships should be like. If you’re going on first dates with the mentality that your date has to fit the profile to be one of those douchey Instagram couples with millions of followers, you’re in for a surprise. We are not the 1% and this is not an Instagram-filtered life. Don’t use some imaginary checklist to decide what you want before you even get to know a person. You could lose a great potential thing because social media convinced you what your life is supposed to look like. Anyone can appear to have a perfect life online when they only show us what they want to see. It’s all filters and angles, baby. Do you know what I look like without angles and filters? Mackuley Culkin. Not the Home Alone days, fam; the homeless days.

On the other end of the table, we have those that get ahead of themselves and envision the next decade of our lives with the date in question. Unfortunately, with high hopes come big disappointments. You should aim to only have an enjoyable night out with anything extra being a bonus (Bonus meaning more dates with this person, not anal). Relax and focus on a night filled with stimulating conversation.

LATE FOR THE DATE

Okay! So you’ve set the first date and you’re meeting at 8;30, but you’re just leaving your house now at… 9:15. Hi, this is straight up disrespectful. I live in Vancouver, so I understand that traffic can be a bitch. However, I also know that our GPS apps are accurate enough with how long it will take you to get to your location. A person generally knows if they’re going to be late at least 10-15 minutes before getting to a spot. Don’t be a douchebag – have the courtesy to text/call your date and let them know that you’re running late.
P.S. If you don’t use Waze as your GPS – download it now!

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“The first day of my senior year of high school i met this very pretty Romanian girl. She sat directly behind me in homeroom. She and her family had just moved to my town over the summer. By the end of the week we had plans to hang out after school on Friday, so i could show her around the town a bit. Friday comes slowly, but as i watch her walk toward me and my car i have a feeling it will be worth the wait.

We hop in my 1972 Delta88 broham and head off to local pizza shop. We grab a quick slice and soda, then jump back in the lead sled and begin to cruise the town. I drive around and show her all the fav hang out spots in town, then we stopped and grabbed a blizzard from DQ. She said she really appreciated me showing her around and wanted to show me her families new house.

Her house was big, much bigger than mine. It was decorated in a very modern and European style. I remember thinking to myself, damn this bitch is rich. We make our way up to her room and start fooling around on the bed. I’m a bit hesitant at first, but she assures me her parents only come around about once a week, and they only bought the house so she could attend a good school district. I nod in approval as we start to peel each others clothes off.

This girl was crazy good. She’s deepthroating, ball licking, and moaning like a pornstar the whole time. Now i got her turned around on the bed and taking from behind, she’s facing the window, and my back is to the door. All of a sudden i feel something wiggling in my ass. I turn around and see her 23 yr old, 220lb mentally handicapped sister licking my ass. I freak the fuck out, and am now standing in the corner listening to my new fb tell me about her sister. She tells me back in Romania her ex boyfriend didn’t mind if her sister joined, because everyone knew it’s the only chance she would ever get to play with some dick. I’m in shock, and not really sure what to say.”

PUT. THE. PHONE. AWAY.

Let me make this one as clear as I can; spending any time on your phone that isn’t obviously a “someone is in the ER/the house is on fire”/my kid’s babysitter” sort of emergency is rude. It’s not “our era’s norm” – you’re just an asshole. Put it the fuck away.

While we’re on the subject of phones at the table… If I see a girl post a picture of her food with male hands strategically cropped in with some messy caption, I assume only one thing: this girl is trying to make her ex-boyfriend jealous and the guy either (a) isn’t very good looking or (b) the meal was strictly for the purpose of said jealousy provoking. If the male hands weren’t included in the shot… well, let’s raise a toast for our poor homie that got used for a free meal.

make conversation

Okay, so your phone is off the table – now what? Listen up, Millennials! There’s nothing worse than having a conversation with someone who either can’t elaborate on any topic or seem disinterested. If someone has to carry the conversation the whole time, I assure you that there isn’t going to be a second date. Well, maybe if they want to fuck you, but sayonara after that. In any event, not being able to hold a simple conversation shows a lack of interest, intelligence, or maybe even both. A stimulating conversation can make a person exponentially more attractive. Don’t sit there like a mute or just answer with “yes” or “no” – it’s creepy.

But not this kind of conversation

With that being said, there’s some shit you just don’t need to talk about on the first date.

Examples of topics to avoid:
Bragging about money or possessions. Unless you’re dating a Vancouver Special which basically guarantees your balls down someones throat based on the car you drive, no one really gives a shit about what you own. The whole brag is ultimately cringe-worthy and shows a deep level of insecurity.
Exes – The #1 way you can show your date (and yourself) you’re not over your ex is by talking about them on the first date.
All the ‘crazy’ exes – You know how Taylor Swift always releases those albums after she goes through a break up and we’re all like, “Taylor, you’re the nutcase! You’re the problem!” – Yeah, it’s kinda the same thing when someone goes around and says all of their exes are crazy. If all of your ex’s are badshit crazy, you’re probably the problem.
Religion and politics – Because nothing says a successful date like arguing about Trump over sushi and wine with someone you barely know.
Your criminal record or if you were ever in a gang – We live in Vancouver – do you think you’re the first one to tell this life story? No one cares, dude.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“i had my first date ever in 9th grade all planned out with a girl i really liked. when i was running through the plan with my friends, they reminded me how socially awkward i was and that if i couldn’t carry the conversation throughout the date, there wouldn’t be a second one.
so me being the smooth guy that i am, i decide to prepare by googling “how to talk to a girl” and “conversation starters” an hour or so before the date. but i was too nervous to memorize the questions, so i wrote them down on my palm for future reference.

we went to a sushi place at her suggestion. of course i say i love sushi to convince her i am a sophisticated and worldly gentleman, but i’d never had the stuff before. turns out that green substance they put on the side of the sushi roll is not, in fact guacamole, it is wasabi sauce which i can only describe as a combination of horseradish, fire and hell.

so i ate the whole chunk of it and there i am, practically sobbing and oozing mucus out of my nose when i decide to distract her with a tactical conversation starter. only problem is, my palms were too sweaty and all the ink had bled. i didn’t notice while i was wiping the wasabi-induced snot storm off my face, so now my face was covered in bled ink and snot while she stared blankly at me wondering what to do. i saw myself in the reflection of window and i was in so much pain and so mortified that i just started crying.

we ended up having to call my mom to pick us up early (shut up, i was in 9th grade) and drove home in silence except for the oldies station my mom had playing on the radio. my mom let me use her sweater to wipe my face off. we ended up being friends later on in high school and laugh about it now. to this day, she thinks i was only crying from the wasabi.”

negative nancy

The easiest way I can explain this date tip is; don’t be a sociopath. Talking about all the depressing moments in your life with your date is not only annoying, but also questionable. Sorry to say, but your date probably doesn’t care about how unfair your job is or that you can’t really trust people. Complaining, being overly serious, or ranting about how awful your life is – again, not for a first date. This is technically a first impression and the person with you is probably looking to hang around someone that can lighten the mood. I get it; life is hard and shit happens. However, you’re on a date to have fun and forget about all that for a minute. If you’re going to come out with a negative attitude then just stay home, you filthy casual.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“Our date was normal…but I wasn’t sure if we going to see each other again.
At the end of the date, he’s dropping me off. He locks the doors (still in the car) and screams at me at the top of his lungs:
“I WANNA EAT THAT FUCKING PUSSY! LET ME EAT THAT FUCKING PUSSY!”

REMAIN ENGAGED

Short and simple; eye contact is very important. Not only is it important for connection, but it displays confidence. If it’s something you have trouble with, make an effort to improve.
Side note – If your date is rude to any of the restaurant staff, it’s okay to leave.

NO, NO, I GOT IT

It’s the end of the night. so who pays? Always an interesting and often debated question. In my culture, it’s generally custom for the man pays for dates. With that being said, it’s not custom for a female to just go out with the expectation that the man is to pay, or even worse not even attempt to acknowledge it or say thank you. Girl, you better take that wallet out and offer. Being invited for a meal is not an okay reason to step all over a guy – come on, now.

“I’ve had a woman who bragged about being frugal and careful with her money but then ordered wine and a pretty expensive meal. I told the waitress separate checks, she said wow and looked uncomfortable when she saw her bill.ˇ

She then tells me later that women don’t like cheap men. I was pretty annoyed that she thought she could splurge under the impression I was picking up the check but was proud of being “frugal.”
Reddit

(LADIES) DON’T FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE

Sorry, but don’t. Might get some flack for this one, but it doesn’t make it any less true. If you want the relationship to go somewhere – there will be no P in V. You should leave dates with your date wanting more and respectful of you and your body. It’s a date and there’s no need for the arbitrary pressure. The whole point of a first date is to get to know one another & enjoying each other’s company. There’s plenty of time to explore the dick later if you deem it worthwhile. Nobody wants to be lonely, but fucking a guy on the first night doesn’t automatically equal a couple. It’s the Millennial era – literally everyone is fucking and it doesn’t mean shit. If you really want to have sex on the first date, go for it. But don’t do it because you’re desperate for the guy to like you or start a relationship with you. That is bound to backfire.

I hope these tips are able to help some of you that are looking for love in this often lonely era. This generation is loften all about instant gratification without taking the time to enjoy things. All the more reason to try and get that great first date in. Cuffing season, y’all.

If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:

Debunking horrible sexual advice
Really, really embarrassing sex questions you didn’t want to ask
The filthiest sex questions you DID ask
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Some lessons on picking up the ladies

That’s it, that’s all, folks. Leave a comment on what suggestions you have for our friends that need some tips on the first date. Thanks for reading!