While we can all agree that 2016 has been a hell-ish year in Hollywood, some things in Vancouver were quite horrific as well. Obviously I’m talking about the 500 bike lines that appeared out of nowhere. I swear the fucking things are like weeds at this point. Dammit, I said I wouldn’t do this. *sigh*. As I was saying, shit went on a downhill slide this year. Being from Vancity and all, I found it important to suggest some New Year resolutions for my fellow Vancouverites. This article will probably offend some, but… who cares. Without further ado…
Don’t be a douchebag.
IN 2017, THOU VANCOUVERITE SHALT NOT:
1. KEEP LOOKING FOR “LOVE” IN PLACES LIKE PAC RIM
I’m so over getting the side eye when you don’t like to go drinking at “elite” Vancouver spots on the weekends. The worst part is, the ones that usually choose to look down on decisions like this are the ones frequently bitching about not meeting new love interests or “real people”. No shit that’s what happens when your regular venues are filled with the smell of Botox, Moët, and mid-life crises. Grow out of your shell and go see new things this city has to offer, I promise you that you’ll have a great time. Have some interesting conversations with some fun people. You may meet the love of your life at some dingy pub on Main St. and have a beautiful career that doesn’t include selling laxative teas on Instagram. Otherwise, you can stay in that miserable elitist world where some married guy will fuck you on the side in exchange for rent on a Coal Harbour apartment. Although with the rent increases in this city, I think we’ll all end up fucking some old guy in exchange for rent on an apartment. A Chanel bag for ME and all I have to do is let some 60 year old dude with Peter Pan syndrome shove his face in my pussy? Mmmm!… how can I say no?
2. BITCH ABOUT ÜBER ALL THE TIME
Yes, I get it. Vancouver doesn’t have Über and it sucks donkey balls. Unfortunately, the government has spoken and your weekly Facebook rant isn’t going to change anything. It’s as good as updating your Facebook photo after some recent event happens to “show your support” – Listen, no one gives a shit. I understand that Yellow Cab doesn’t answer the phone. I also understand how we desperately need Über here. We need it. There. I’ve said it. Now you can stop drafting your Über fascination while drunkenly stumbling along Granville in search of a taxi every week.
3. BE A CUNT
Vancouver – a city of frenemies. If you ever sit for a long enough period in a group setting and observe, you can truly see how many people low-key don’t like each other – body language is everything. It baffles my mind how people have the energy anymore to pretend to like people. What causes someone the worry that comes with purging certain people out of your life, I do not know. I’ve been clubbing in Vancouver for a long time and if the venue has a shitty sound system, you hear ALL the conversations in the washrooms. They go a little something like this…
– Girls in stall over –
Fuckgirl 1: “Ashley, pass me your key. Omg, Lisa is being SO annoying tonight!”
Fuckgirl 2: “Here. Ugh, I knowwww! Why do we even call her out anymore? She looks kinda fat too in that dress.”
Fuckgirl 1: “Yeah, I know. It’s embarrassing because these guys obviously *snort* don’t want me to bring chunky girls when they call me out to party. Like why did she wear a crop top?”
Fuckgirl 2: *snort* “Omg, right! Whatever, we can say we’re going home after Tsui Hang and just ditch her before the afterparty?”
Fuckgirl 1: “Yeah, let’s do that. Just act normal when we’re back at the table and I’ll let the guys know we gotta ditch. Do you want another bump, babe?”
Fuckgirl 2: “Nope, let’s go. Can you check my nose?”
– End scene –
Its a sad day when you lose your brain cells listening to this while you’re just trying to pee. Listen up, you. Stop arguing with people you don’t even like over petty shitty. Stop hanging out with that “friend” that you stare daggers at thinking nobody notices. Stop letting cunts treat you like shit in friendships. Kick that bitch to the curb and call it a day.
4. BE A HATER
While I know we’ll never be less judgemental as a species, I wish we would stop putting some sort of relationship between material possessions and personality. I’ve met people that don’t spend more than $20 on outfits that are the smartest souls I’ve ever known. I’ve also met people that carry Birkin bags that are dumb as rocks with a side of cunty. Clothes don’t make you a better person. You can have a Chanel bag and I’ll still think you’re a cunt if you behave like one.
I picked up the Mark Zuckerberg minimalism style this year, albeit not as extreme. Now I just buy multiples of things I like to wear and I save myself the time of worrying about what I’m gonna wear anymore. I am so out of my element when it comes to fashion. Although, I do recklessly splurge on red bottoms (THAT I PAY FOR and mentally hide my credit card bills). This lifestyle isn’t for everyone though and that’s okay. Same can be said for people that buy expensive shit. Stop judging people based on what they have. Different strokes for different folks and all that.
5. FLEX FOR THE GRAM
Did a large majority of your Instagram friends become motivational speakers overnight at some point? I can almost compare it to those preachers you’d see giving sermons on those televised church shows on the weekends. Like fuck off, dude! I’m just trying to watch my cartoons. That’s basically the feeling I get when I see people posting photos on social media with some mystical “Entrepreneur life” paragraph. Stop focusing on looking like you’re living the dream life and motivating others to meet your level. Humble yourself, the majority of people don’t give a fuck about you. Post a picture of your food, filter that bitch, and call it a day.
6. DO THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Stop giving a fuck and started saying ‘yes’ to things (common sense still applies). So many people rant about Vancouver being a “no fun city” but don’t bother to venture out of Granville or Yaletown on Fridays & Saturdays. When we push ourselves to do things bigger than and outside of our comfort zone, we are forced to grow to fill the space we have created. Only by pushing ourselves to try out new experiences do we become better and grow as people. In the same way, you’ll find out more about yourself, who you are, and what you like and don’t like. Take every opportunity that you can to do ‘anything’, because you never know where each opportunity will take you. Or you know, keep puking outside of Caprice for the next 5 years. Whatever.
7. AVOID CYCLISTS
Run them over. ALL of them. Just kidding…. no, not really.
IN CASE THIS ARTICLE OFFENDED YOU…
You know what’s the most awesome thing about running your own blog? I get to draft anything my little black heart desires while offending everybody. If you’re feeling some type of way after reading this, perhaps you might need to follow these resolutions the most. Don’t be mad, be better!
That’s it, that’s all, folks. Leave a comment on what you think people need to improve on in this city. If you’re searching for more tips on life improvement, maybe start with sex. Happy last week of 2016, you guys!