It’s Friday, fuck it up! After a v aggressive post on why feminism blows the other day, I am resuming my regularly scheduled programming of Frisky Fridays. Responsible me wrote this on Thursday so I wouldn’t be typing it out like a perv next to someone on my flight to LAX. By the time this is being uploaded, I will be on my way to sunny California. Here’s to hoping I somehow magically meet Jesse Metcalfe and he falls in love with me upon first glance. Staying on task… we are continuing our two-part series on red flags, and today we’re covering the good stuff. While last week was focused on the tell-tale signs of baddies in relationships, this week we’re covering fuck buddies and side-pieces. While relationships can be super nice, some prefer to keep an independent life and have someone to fuck around with instead. Understandably, navigating this type of strictly wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am relationship be tricky. Here’s my tips on helping you escape unscathed (or unstabbed). As usual, S.O. = Significant Other. Extra abbreviation today, FWB = Friends With Benefits. Without further ado…
People are fucking nuts.
FUCK BUDDY RED FLAGS
RED FLAG #1 | I’M WATCHING YOU
You know how it works… initially your FWB was all, “I’m all about casual fucking! Do what you want! We’re totes cool” and you ate that shit up with a side of Trojans. R.I.P, brave soul. The entire point of having a fuck buddy is the freedom to do what you want when you aren’t fucking. Unless you have a mutually agreed upon stipulation that your P in V is exclusive, then nobody should be jelly. If your FWB has some chirps here and there on what they’ve seen on your Instagram, it might be time to run.
RED FLAG #2 | THE APPLE OF MY EYE
Unless the magical conversation stating you and your fuck buddy are only fucking eachother happened, you can do what you want and shouldn’t feel bad for it. If you wanna date, go do your thang. The super nice thing about havng a FWB is if your date is trash, you can still go back to your FWB’s house and smash. With that being said, if your FWB is showing signs of not being interested in anyone else after a long time except you… you might have to run.
RED FLAG #3 | YOU’RE MY BOO BUT NOT MY BOO
Depending on your sitch, it might bleed into a relationship type of dynamic. If you’re both cool with it, no harm – no foul. However, if you think they might be assuming they can ease you into a relationship, you might have to pull a runner. You are not Chandler and Monica, this is real life. People can generally notice if someone is trying to low key lead them into a serious relationship without them noticing.
RED FLAG #4 | PLUS 1
Sometimes you and your FWB are in the same crew or have grown up together – this can be a pretty kick ass set-up. Unfortunately, it might have given your FWB the idea that you two are going to be doing the +1 thing now. Generally, one can assume if you go to a wedding together, you’re probably together. A sneaky fuck-buddy might be intentionally inviting you so together you’re asked questions like, “How long have you been dating?” or “Where’s the ring?” – Games, my friend. Run.
RED FLAG #5 | YOU’RE MY LIFE NOW
A friends with benefit sitch is all about convenience, and can sometimes be a last resort guarantee for sex depending on who you’re banging. If your FWB is cancelling plans with their friends in order to see you – this is bad. If your FWB is changing how they live their life based on what you like, (ie. turned vegan because you’re vegan) this is also bad. Your fuck buddy is just that. If you’re not trying to date, there should be no need to rearrange their life in an attempt to impress you.
RED FLAG #6 | WAITING ON A REACTION
If your FWB is “casually” mentioning a date and you can see them clearly monitoring your reaction, it might be time to run. If they’re providing way too much info and details on people that are interested in them to see if you get possessive, it is definitely time to run. These actions were well thought out and probably discussed with friends before attempting – they’re already in way too deep. RUN.
RED FLAG #7 | FROM BANG TO HANG
Hanging out together after sex is what couples do. So, if your FWB is getting mad about you dine and dashing – it might be time to dash for real. Hanging out post-fuck should be minimal unless clear and strictly platonic post-coital activities have been set. Don’t allow the bang to bleed over into a hang.
SIDE PIECE RED FLAGS
What to do when you’re super ballsy and choose to live life by double-dipping? Without encouragement, please read below on tips to keep you safe out in these streets.
“I don’t need this advice, but I’ll just read it just in case.”
SIDE RED FLAG #1 | YOUR SIDE KNOWS YOUR MAIN
Sides have the power to bring your entire world crashing down and they really don’t give a fuck what the outcome is. Do you think a side will care if you lose your main? Probably not when you weren’t theirs to begin with. If your side is showing clear jealousy of your main and trying to get involved in their life, carefully extract yourself fast. There are probably many shitty ways to wake up, but one very shitty way to wake up is to your side in your main’s Instagram comments saying shit like, “HOW DOES MY CUM TASTE?!”
SIDE RED FLAG #2 | YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH YOUR SIDE
Do not date your side. I repeat, do not date your side. They will never trust you. Your side in a perfect world should simply be your confidant who you have sex with from time to time. Simple, right? Wrong. Many people looked up to Brad and Angelina as if this is the happy ending when you leave your main for your side. In reality, you’ll end up stabbed in the middle of the night when your phone goes off. If you fall for your side, run.
SIDE RED FLAG #3 | STAKING THEIR CLAIM
Sides should move in silence like the G in lasagna. If you’ve failed at the #1 key to success and befriended your social media – you deserve to face the consequences. What are these penalties, you ask? Jealousy from your side with very sneaky commentary. If they do it too often, your S.O. is gonna notice “that little fuck” that is always talking to you in your comments. If they’re real petty then they’ll do it when your boo is tagged in the photo. If your side starts showing signs of uber jealousy, it’s time to run.
SIDE RED FLAG #4 | YOUR VERY OWN PERSONAL PORNSTAR
Might catch some flack for this one but it doesn’t make it any less true. Your side is basically supposed to be bomb dot com when it comes to fucking. If you’re risking it all for sex, you probably shouldn’t be doing it for shitty sex. With that being said, if the sex is turning more into lovemaking and boring, get the fuck outta there!
SIDE RED FLAG #5 | MY BITCH SO BAD, I FUCK WITHOUT A CONDOM
Does anyone care about HIV anymore? No? Okay. In any event, if your side is sleeping with you, they could also be sleeping with anyone else. You’re not with each other 24/7 and if your side is easily jealous, they might smash another out of spite. Let me paint a millenial picture for you – imagine your side smashes someone else and passes something along to you that you pass down to your S.O. that passes it to their side… mmm STD buffet. Condoms, kids! If your side has been pressuring you to go raw lately, it definitely might be time to run. There is always a reason why. Always.
“BUT…BUT…BUT… I HAVE MORE QUESTIONS?!”
Have you checked my other posts? If I haven’t answered it – questions are always welcome and always anonymous! Feel free to drop me a line here.
That’s it, that’s all, folks. Leave a comment on what you consider some red flags. Happy weekend!