FRISKY FRIDAY | BANGING THE MILLENNIAL

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

I often say that I wish I grew up in the 80’s era due to my love for the music and literally everything else. When it comes to dating, though – I definitely wish I grew up in the 90’s. I blame my obsession with Melrose Place for wishing I moved into an Los Angeles complex with a bunch of good looking 20 year olds. Has anyone made a porno based on this premise? I really need to start a production company… Moving on – dating was much better in times before social media and 24/7 texting. The mystery is gone and ridiculous mind games have taken it’s place. We care more about how many likes the picture of our dinner has than the person sitting across the table from you at said dinner.

It’s no secret that I’ve remained single for quite some time. If you’ve ever wondered why so many nowadays are choosing to steer clear the narcissistic cesspool that is considered dating in the Millennial era, look no further… Happy reading, kids!

TL; DR:

Are you behaving this way when it comes to dating? I hope you like cats.

ORGANICALLY MEETING

As I said, perhaps I should blame all the TV shows and books I consume for feeling like people should organically meet instead of simply swiping right. Pre-social media, your friend would introduce you to one another or maybe you bumped into a random hottie at the grocery store and it went from there. Whichever it may be, it’s a long way from what happens today. We figuratively have a zillion apps at our fingertips to specifically look for our ideal polyamorous, vegan, pan-sexual, catholic beauty who is cool with anal every now and then.

LITTLE BY LITTLE

You know what was important when it came to dating in the 90’s? A slow burn. Actually going on dates a couple times a week, learning about each other, and making out. Not for the Millennial though, that is far too slow. Who has time to learn about someone? Stalking their Instagram is clearly the more efficient way to go. “Did he use to many hashtags? Nope, that won’t work at all.” We have apps worth millions to avoid even having awkward first date conversations in person as a whole. Meeting up with a random and letting them fuck you in the ass, only to cry about never having a relationship the week after is clearly so much of a better idea.

MYSTERY? DO I LOOK LIKE SCOOBY DOO TO YOU?

It might be due to keeping my nails too long, but texting is an “at-your-convenience” form of communication for me. I do NOT expect a response within a certain time-frame. If I need an immediate answer from anyone, I will actually call. This would likely get me burned at the stake if told in a room full of Millennials. You see, texting is the norm when you’re courting each other in 2016. It is also what I consider a “grey area” – Are you actually even seeing each other? Are you just hanging out? Are you just talking? Are you allowed to fuck other people? You spend days texting each other back and forth that by the time the date comes around, you have nothing to talk about in-person. Losing interest in someone has never been easier.

UMM, CAN YOU NOT?

While a little game-playing can be fun, the Millennial can give every one a run for their money. Making up rules such as; not hanging out two nights in a row, not texting first if you texted first last time, and even not double texting. Asking if this thing between you is just casual? No way! You can’t assume anything is more than casual, even if you’re having sex. Maybe you do decide to ask what the situation is between you two, so naturally every word you say has to be so carefully chosen that any response given will be okay with you. A Millennial is trained by peers to appear thoughtless, and the energy put into seeming such a way could probably power a small city. Are y’all not tired?

MOTHERFUCKING GENTLEMAN

Chivalry is not dead, but you would think it is by the way dating is today. Many Millennials would rather keep their mouth shut on behaviour they dislike rather than be alone. Opening a car door for a girl when a guy picks her up at home turned into “Meet me at Cactus at 7”. Trying to learn about a girl on a first date turned into watching her take the perfect picture of your drinks and filter it for half an hour before posting it. Was the guy included in the photo? I bet he wasn’t…

Set plans? Yeah, right. With social media and apps like Whatsapp, we have instant updates on what our friends and preferred romantic interests are up to. If you aren’t the top priority, your invitation to spend time will be given an, “I’ll let you know” and the deciding factor will be if that person has better offers than you on the table. Hopefully you didn’t come off as needy by double texting them. That would definitely take you down a notch or two on the priority list.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“So I was in Shanghai for work, and decided to see what was happening on Tinder. I had to use a VPN to get around the great firewall. Anyway, matched with a girl and chatted briefly. She asked if I wanted to meet at her hotel for a drink. Alarm bells should have been ringing Willy.

So I shower up, pop a breath mint, and smash out a lucky panda cigarette whilst flagging down a cab. I get to her hotel and to my astonishment, she is the woman in the profile, waiting for me at the hotel bar. Have a few cocktails and things are going well, she’s friendly, seems really into me, then she asks if I want to go up to her room for “some more drinks”. Dear diary: JACKPOT!

So we make our way upstairs and she doesn’t waste any time and jumps straight in. When all was said and done I thought “right, time to do the shanghai shuffle!” So I’m putting my clothes on and about to leave and she ways “what about my money baby?”

My heart sinks quicker than a mob snitch swimming in concrete boots. I ask her what she means, “Not for free sex, 3,000 RMB!” she replies which is just shy of $500. Fuck me, I’d just rooted a hooker!

So a heated argument begins and I’m planning my escape lest there be a pimp waiting outside. She starts screaming at me and hotel security arrive on the scene and hustle me down to the lobby. She follows in tow demanding her money, screaming, yelling, making a scene. Everyone’s looking. I’ve really hit rock bottom here. Then I see someone get out of a cab outside the hotel entrance. I gap it and leap into the cab, telling the driver to “DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE” in the worst Chinese possible. I probably said something offensive. But the power of the all mighty yuan saves the day and he speeds off, taking me back to my hotel where I can hit a bottle of scotch and reflect on what the actual fuck just happened.”

SETTLING FOR THE PLAYER

Since you’re halfway through the list, you’re aware that the Millennial isn’t taking the time to get to know the person organically, but is instead texting them all day. Alas, the female gets in too deep and THEN finds out she’s dating the infamous player. “I’ve put in all this work the past two weeks though and I like him already. He’ll change for me” *screech* No, no, no. You see, back in the day, women collectively withheld sex from men until they demonstrated a level of commitment. Now, women use sex as a bargaining chip, swinging for the fences by having sex with men that clearly don’t want to be tied down, then complaining when they are treated for the lack of better words, a cum dumpster.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

“I met a guy on Tinder that I had kinda already known through other friends, but we never met each other prior to Tinder.

He came over and we hooked up a few times, I was giving him a bj and he asked me if I’d stick something in his ass. I was totally down for it so I grabbed the only thing I had, this tiny bullet shaped vibrator. So I was sticking it in his ass, and he kept telling me deeper, and soon the whole thing, it just kinda got sucked up in! I definitely thought he’d be able to tell it was stuck up in there, and he seemed to like it so I just rolled with it and continuing doing my thing.

So he finishes and I assume he’s gonna get up and take that out of his ass…but after about a minute he doesn’t and I was like “hey so where is that thing” and he’s like”I don’t know I thought you had it” and I was like “WHAT THE FUCK how can you not feel it in your ass?” And so he gets up, his face turns red as fuck, his eyes are huge and he runs to the bathroom…he’s freaking out bc this vibrator is fucking stuck in his asshole…I walk up to the bathroom and he’s suddenly white as a ghost and crying and shaking and he has basically ripped his ass with his hand, it is covered in blood. I do a quick Google search and I tell him to relax or it’ll never come out. He asked me to get a fan because he said he felt like he was about to pass out, when I left the room I came back and he had squeezed it out I guess, it was inside the toilet vibrating and I could hear it. He was passed out on the bathroom floor and a sweaty bloody mess. I think I had him over like one more time but he got super clingy so I cut it off.”

SOCIAL MEDIA IS MY DR. PHIL

Telling the person you’re seeing that you have a problem with them? That’s not what the Millennial Policies and Procedures handbook says to do. *ahem* “When dating, instead of directly expressing my feelings to the person I’m dating, I must either post a cryptic Instagram picture or fully complain via Facebook status”. Yup, checks out. It’s right there in the handbook. Don’t forget that while the post may not mention the person’s name, it is blatantly directed at them.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

I used Tinder, I’m a fat ugly bastard, I matched with a girl who wasn’t too shabby looking, texted for a few days until we were both off. I picked her up, she was very cute, went to dinner at a Japanese steak house and had a good time, drank some sake. She suggested we go back to my place (woo!)

We stop by her apartment to get her car and she wants to get clothes. She follows me to my house and we make out in my driveway for a few and start to move towards the house, I’m excited, gunna get laid and all yessir, been a while.

So we are on my front porch and she goes “eew, what’s that” and points to this baseball sized toad that hangs out on my porch, this is his 2nd year it there. Anyways I explain he is cool and I knock beetles off my porch light for to eat and stuff she walks over to him, looks at me, like intense eye contact and proceeded to slowly stomp on my toad.

Now at this point I was experiencing several emotions, shock, anger, rage. I shouted at her “wtf, why’d you do that” to which she replied “I wanted to make you mad so you’d Fuck me hard” I was speechless while I processed what I had just witnessed. I told her to get the Fuck of my property, she flips out, we yell back and forth, I sprayed her with the hose and she finally leaves only to show up 20 min later topless on my deck in the back yard. She had walked from down the road and pulled like 6 pickets down from my fence to get in the back yard.

Cops came, she cried her way out of trouble with them and left.

WHERE WE AT?

Let me be clear, nothing kills a relationship quite like talking about the relationship. It makes sense if you’ve been together for a few months and you want to know if you’re going to be exclusive and so forth. But of course that isn’t the case for the Millennial. You’ve been on a total of two dates, but since you’ve been texting so much – that’s basically like 6 months by millennial standards, right? Hey you, you’re having this talk and it’s going to end badly. You’re going to freak the other person out, and really you’re only asking because you’re so freaked out, so now you have 2 freaked out people who are both thinking, “What the fuck?” Don’t do this. Why do people do this?

#RELATIONSHIPGOALS

Broadcasting that text your man sent you or compulsively updating photos of you and him – how Millennial of you. While posting a couples photo is super cute – if you’re doing it every single day, you seem v insecure in your relationship. 9 times out of 10, a person doing this is trying to annoy an ex. Don’t even argue with me – you know it’s true. If it’s real, you’ll keep it special and to yourself. Millennials tend to let social media and pseudo couples who are very good at cropping and VSCO filtering convince them what a relationship should be like. As if everyone is entitled to some mystical fairy tale relationship. They become quick to write people off for a minor detail and quickly look for the next best thing that they’ll somehow also find flaws in. #relationshipgoals

Welp, our generation sucks! It really does. I hope if any of you resonate with this that you’ll take a look at the way you’re behaving. Put down the phone and ENJOY your date. Treat one another nicely. Communication is key, y’all.

If you’re looking for some more Frisky Friday, with an emphasis on the ‘Frisky’:

Debunking horrible sexual advice
Really, really embarrassing sex questions you didn’t want to ask
The filthiest sex questions you DID ask
Tips for not putting your dick in crazy
Some lessons on picking up the ladies

That’s it, that’s all, folks. Leave a comment on what suggestions you have for our friends that need some tips on Millennial dating. This is my last FF for 2016 and I wanna thank everyone that’s been sharing my blog or sending me messages on how much they like reading it – I love each and every one of you =) Happy New Years!