FRISKY FRIDAY | The Ten Commandments of Sexting

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

Hey y’all,

After two weeks off, we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming of Frisky Fridays. What have I done with the time off you ask?…

Updates with me include:
– Biting my cheek while sleeping (Shoutout to my fellow unconscious teeth clenchers)
– Losing weight from said bite since it hurts to eat
– A future diet plan that includes biting my cheeks on a regular basis so I can get skinny.
– Dog filters galore.

Exciting shit, I tell ya. In any event, I’m sure you didn’t come here to hear about my battle with carbohydrates. On to the good stuff…

SO YOU WANNA SEXT, HUH?

While I’m certain anyone reading this would know what that means, in case you don’t – it’s the millennial version of phone sex. Instead of talking dirty, we have advanced to typing. What a time to be alive. Sexting can be done throughout the day if you prefer a slow simmer or banter depending on your style. For some, though – they proceed with a full on wham-bam-thank-you ma’am for that late night happy ending. Unfortunately, like basically any other privilege we humans are given – we ruin it. To help us not be assholes, I left some tips for y’all so you can be the typing casanova I know you’re capable of being. Maybe you wanna spice up things with your boo as per my post on stale relationships or maybe you’re sexting with a super sexy fling… whatever your flavour, keep reading so you can safely sext without coming across as a molexter. Happy sexting, kids!

TL; DR:

Hide your face when sending nudes.

1. THOU SHALT MAKE SURE YOU’RE SEXTING THE CORRECT PERSON

Some things are recipes for disaster. Two things I can name of the top of head are:
1) Having your dad and your sext buddy both saved as ‘Daddy’
2) Swapping text conversations back and forth carelessly while sexting.

It’s actually not that uncommon to sext the wrong person. However, that will not make it better if you do it. Double check! Triple check! The second you give someone else nude pics of yourself, there’s a chance they’ll end up on the internet and your peers will masturbate while looking at them. If you’re cool with that, sext away without checking the recipient, my friends.

2. THOU SHALT NOT SCREENSHOT

If you’re going to be a nasty-dirty-talkin’ adult then you need to act like one. Imagine if someone you were sexting with revealed your dirty messages or photos – it kinda sucks, huh? This is a complete violation of privacy and extremely immature. Don’t be this person.

3. Thou shalt read the cues

it might be a bad time. You wanna rub one out and your sext friend just told you they were at a family brunch… probably isn’t the best time to hope for someone to run through a sexual monologue for you. Read the cues, people.

4. Thou shalt not use clinical terms

Does the word ‘vagina’ actually make anyone horny? Actually, though. Please announce yourselves. If you want to get serious about your sext game, there is no better time to embrace a thesaurus. If used properly, words are an entirely different level of foreplay.

Bad example: “Uh yea..yeah…your pussy is hot…uh..yea…i’m gonna give it to you, I swear on my mothers grave!”

Also, never use the word ‘moist’.

AT LEAST IT WASN’T YOU…

I used to date a girl who was extremely boring. She was so boring she would never put condiments on anything. That’s how boring she was.
Anyway, we decided to sext to try to spice things up and save our relationship so I started writing the dirtiest things I could come up with and sending them to her.
Now one thing you don’t know about me is that I never ever write anything out I just text to speech everything. So I would do that from time to time and shed get all hot and shed like it. I want to say this helped our relationship and extended it a couple months.

Fast forward one day and she’s the one that starts sexting me randomly and since this rarely happens I wanted to write back but I was at work.
So I decided to head over to the restroom. I’m in the restroom and it looks empty so I head into a stall lock the door and I wanted to grab my cock with two hands so I leave my phone on top of the toilet dispenser and start fapping away as I’m recording and sending all of this then all of a sudden I hear the door of the stall next to me open and I guess the guy in there had been hearing me because he starts yelling ‘Wtf are you doing you disgusting freak, what kind of person does this?!?!’
It got sent and that ended our relationship.

5. THOU SHALT PLAY IT BY EAR

What’s sexy to you might be creepy to them. Prime example is those who want to type out a sex scene for some sort of guided dual masturbation scenario. Hello, it’s 2016 and most people can get off without your attempts at erotica literature. Listen, if I wanted to read my porn then I’d hit up Fifty Shades. It literally takes a few seconds to fire up Pornhub, but instead you’re convinced your recipient would rather your nimbly fingers take forever to type out paragraphs of mental imagery in words. Dude, no.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

One time I was fucking this drunk chick on the beach. It wasn’t too bright, I realize, considering it wasn’t too far from midnight, the surf or the hotels that line the boardwalk.
Anyway, she’s hot and I’m loving it – the drunkness and condom semed to be protecting me from the sand. She was grinding up hard, letting me hear her pleasure loud and, with the waves crashing, I didn’t realize there was this creepy middle-age dude just laying on his side next to us, watching the whole show.
He was rubbing himself a little. He looks at us looking at him and stops, stands up and mutters “nice work, guy” as he walks away.
Come to think of it, it was funny. But mostly it was creepy.

6. THOU SHALT KEEP THEM INVESTED

Good sexting toes the line between smut and being subtle. Similar to lingerie; there are things left to the imagination. While saying “I want to [insert verb] your [insert orifice] with my big hard [insert organ]” is great… that’s a pretty one-dimensional statement. “Ok, and what?…” After you read it, the excitement is done. Ambiguity, however, is far more enticing. I don’t mean clueless ambiguity, though. That dancing around the edge of being literal, coming as close as possible, but never saying what you want forthright until the time comes bullshit. Nah, fuck that. “Self-aware” sexting can be a whole lot more exciting. Instead of talking about what you’d like to do, because there’s only a finite list of things you can describe, talk about the predicament itself. Explore your feelings regarding the situation. Open up about how it makes you feel to be involved with them in the first place.

7. Thou SHALT BE CURTEOUS

If you are doing the ‘Hey, lets run through a fake fuck scenario’ Don’t bounce after only one of you has gotten off. It is ultra rude.

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

I was living in an apartment crammed with 6 guys in college – had friends over and this one freshman I didn’t know well is giving me the eyes.
I’m piss drunk so why not? I proceed to give her probably the worst 5 minute limp-dick sex of her life before passing out mid-act. Classy.
I wake up the next day alone in my bed, groggy as fuck, and stumble my way to the bathroom. I let the stream go, but oddly can’t hear the sound of splashing.
I look down – low and behold, attached to my penis and rapidly expanding with dark orange piss is the condom from the night before.
Nothing like waddling across a bathroom trying to reach the tub before the mango-sized piss bag hanging off your dick pops.

8. THOU SHALT ERASE THE EVIDENCE

It doesn’t matter if you’re hiding the sexts from a parent, a wife, or yourself because you’re in denial of the nasty shit you sent – delete, delete, delete! Erase it all! If your sexts end up in the wrong hands, it’s game over for you. Imagine your friends looking through pictures on your phone like, “Oh, here’s a picture of us at Celebs that night – oh my god, is this a picture of your pussy?”

9. THOU SHALT BE RESPONSIBLE WHEN SENDING NUDES

This one is mainly for the ladies as the only time a guy should be sending a dick pic is when a girl has literally said, “Send me a dick pic”

1. Triple check the recipient.
2. Do NOT send nudes to that guy you met last week at Caprice or that douche you met on Tinder.
3. Don’t send a nude without at least a little bit of a warning. You don’t know what setting your Snapchat is getting viewed in.
4. Don’t show your face.
5. Don’t show your tattoo/s.

10. THOU SHALT NOT POST THE NUDE TO YOUR SNAPCHAT STORY

Yes, it does happen.

That’s it, that’s all, folks. Leave a comment on what suggestions you have for our friends that need some tips on sexting. If you’re interested in picking up some etiquette on actual human sex, see here. Otherwise, have a happy weekend!