FRISKY FRIDAY | RED FLAG SERIES VOL. 1

In FRISKY FRIDAY, THE RELATIONSHIP by The Ajland

Well hello there, frisky gang. TGIF! While I usually draft these up on Friday mornings, I’m feeling quite organized after doing this on a Thursday evening. What can I say, adulting. I’m wishing a very Happy Thanksgiving to my friends over the border while I casually sit here turkey-less. Sigh… In any event, we’re switching it up a little bit this week as I’m devoting an entire Frisky Friday spread to something I like to call dun dun dun… the red flags. This two-part series is covering what to watch out for when treading in relationships, fuck buddies, and side-pieces. Here’s to hoping you bow out when necessary before it’s too late. *Insert knife emoji* – As usual, S.O. = Significant Other. Without further ado… off we go to this weeks Frisky Friday…

TL; DR:

If your significant other has stabbed you, it is too late for these tips.

RED FLAG #1 | Your friends don’t like them

If 5+ of your close friends (I don’t even have this many) have spent extended time with your SO and truly can’t find something nice to say about them – it might be a strong indicator that you’re dating the wrong person. Our true friends for the most part want the best for us. So, it’s safe to say that if they don’t like your S.O., they are probably seeing him/her for who they truly are without the rose colored glasses. Do all your friends tell you they think your girlfriends a miserable bitch? Are you defending her all the time? The time might be coming where you will realize that your girlfriend is a miserable bitch.

RED FLAG #2 | You’re dating the FBI

You know what’s fun? Dating someone that checks your messages, and the IG pictures you like, and your emails, and your facebook. and fucking kill me now.

Trusting someone is very simple – you either do or you don’t. There is no ‘kind of’ when it comes to trust. Having a relationship where someone finds it necessary to keep up with what you’re doing in your phone is not normal behaviour. I see this happen a lot in couples where someone cheated and this is some sort of psuedo-trust building to redeem the infidelity. This literally never solves anything and you’re fooling yourselves if you think it does. Are you dating someone that wants to check your shit? Run. Don’t look back. Get out NOW.

RED FLAG #3 | SEX IS A POWERPLAY

You know what’s really fun about being a relationship? You get to fuck someone often and when you want to! Oh wait…
If you are upset about something, talk it through, but don’t let it come along to the bedroom. Literally anyone reading this blog I’m assuming is well under the age of requiring Cialis. I’m also going to go ahead and assume this happens to men and not so much women. You are not Dan Bilzerian. If you’re dating someone that only fucks you for leverage or worse, because you buy them shit – dump them. You deserve better.

RED FLAG #4 | Ultimatum Central

While compromise is necessary in relationships, ultimatums are not. Some could be necessary – such as, give up heroin or give up sniffing glue type deal, but we aren’t talking about those. This is for the ones that throw around, “If you go out with your friends tonight… we’re through!” – Sounds great, there’s the door!

Seriously, though – this act gets super old and tiring. Additionally, it also ends up being the boy who cried wolf after it’s used it so many times. If your S.O. pulls this shit and you do even end up listening to them – you’ll probably end up growing resentment towards them for taking away your decisions. This is plain and simple a form of emotional abuse and childish. A person like this has no business in a relationship, but perhaps an asylum.

AT LEAST IT WASN’T YOU…

We meet at a local pub for a few drinks, and we get chicken fingers. The conversation is terrible, but I notice she’s taking the chicken fingers and ripping them up in her hands and putting the breading in her huge purse. So naturally I call her out on it. She smiled and said “Oh, I’m just feeding Sammy” and pulled out a fat chinchilla from her purse. She plopped the thing in the middle of the table and it just kinda chilled out. I played with the chinchilla a bit and she kinda got mad at me for playing with it and back in the purse it went.

I was ready to call it and leave, but she mentioned she could go for some ice cream, and I was cool with it. So we go to Ben & Jerrys. We get to talking about tattoos and piercing, and she tells me she has nipple piercings, and I’m like “Oh?” and then she pulls down her shirt, in the middle of Ben and Jerrys at 8pm and shows me her nipples. I just kind of poker faced. So then I decide to walk her to her car. She kissattacks me, and well, she WAS kinda cute so I made out with her, sortof, her lips were tense the whole time and she licked my teeth.

I friended her on facebook for some reason after that, she had a facebook page for her chinchilla that had more facebook friends then I did. A few months later the chinchilla died and it’s facebook was a memorial page where a bunch of people(like, 35) commented how much they missed it. I ‘liked’ one of her statuses and she called me crying. I unfriended her but not the chinchilla. RIP Sammy.

RED FLAG #5 | You are their hobby

If your S.O. clings to you 24/7, has no friends, and gets upset whenever you want to pursue your own hobbies – you’re gonna have a bad time. There is nothing worse than dating someone who guilt trips you for wanting to live a life you enjoy. You both MUST have your own lives in addition to one together if you want a functioning relationship. If you spend nearly 100% of your free time together for 2+ years – you will rob yourselves of your individuality. You’re both in for a horrific identity crisis when it inevitably ends. Resentment festers, arguments grow, and anger prevails. This is low key the ones that always end up stabbing you too. Stay safe out here, fam.

AT LEAST IT WASN’T YOU…

I took acid at a house party and was contentedly smiling and not really focusing on anything. After a while this hot babe comes up and tells me that all the other guys have made passes at her and I wont even catch her eyes. To be honest the whole room was a technicolor dreamworld and i had no idea this girl even existed until she was pouting 6 inches from my face.

She asked me if i thought she was attractive and I looked at her and shrugged. Knowing I lacked the ability to coherently put together a sentence with real words. She takes it as a personal challenge and takes me into a bedroom. Since i was distracted by some amazing fractals on the ceiling she rode me like a bucking bronco for the better part of an hour to prove she could make me cum.

The sex was good. The everchanging artwork on the ceiling was better. 10/10 would do it again but i doubt the situation will ever present itself.

RED FLAG #6 | DEBBIE DOWNER

Ever dated a chronic complainer? SO fun, right? Just kidding. I would rather have my ears physically ripped off without Novocaine while being sodomized by an elephant. Listen, folks – I totally understand having criticism for shitty instances, but if your standards are so high that you can’t enjoy any experience on this earth, you’ve got issues. Even the pickiest person tries to avoid what they don’t like, not seek it out so they can fuss.

It’s hard to completely avoid those people as a whole, but you should really expel this type of relationship from your life to contain your own sanity. Your relationship should be your happy place – not where you go to for more stress. The world is quite passive aggressive generally, and sometimes people aren’t aware of how they are casting their personality. I guess it’s way easier to complain then to take action to change things that they are unhappy with – who knows. Fuck ’em. Run!

AT LEAST IT ISN’T YOU…

Met a girl on Tinder. She seemed very nice and somehow we had a good bit in common, other than she was religious while I am not. She never brought it up in conversation so I didn’t think much of it.

Decided to meet her at a Starbucks halfway between our homes. She was nice, but seemed nervous. Thought it was the first date nerves or something. Probably about 15 minutes into talking, another dude who was sitting a few tables near us comes to sit down right next to her. He pulls out a pamphlet with the words like Jesus and Are you lost? written across the top. I’m super confused at this point. I tell the guy “No thanks” and that we didn’t have time to hear about it.

SHE then begins to tell me that this was her friend and that they wanted to talk to me about where I was in life and how Jesus can help. I think she mentioned something about how today’s youth is being corrupted by online dating and how we’re straying from God’s light. Realized then that I was in a religious interventiom. I was pretty freaked out. I think all I said was something to the effect of “This is fucked up,” then stood up and left. She texted me later to tell me that she was there for me when I was ready to hear God’s word.

RED FLAG #7 | IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU

One of the biggest red flags can be when you think about your future together and realize the idea of marrying your S.O, and starting a family fills you with dread. Especially if you very much wanted both of those things for yourself… but not with them. Man up. Cut the cord.

“AJLA, I NEED MORE ADVICE”

Don’t we all? Take a look here and here for some of my hopefully useful advice dedicated to making it work … or if need be, not making it work.

“HM… I DON’T FIT IN HERE…”

Not dating and still banging in your white tee? I got you, fam. Check back next week for my red flags for the fuck buddies and the sides if that’s how you roll. If you can’t wait, at least take the time to brush up on your sex etiquette before the sexy times.

That’s it, that’s all, folks. Leave a comment on what you consider some red flags. Happy weekend!