FRISKY FRIDAY | TOO EMBARRASSING TO ASK

In FRISKY FRIDAY by The Ajland

Hello, Frisky Friends! I’m hoping to have an actual useful post next Friday like last weeks, but for today – we get to catch up on my inquiries. While I usually assume I’m up-to-date on millenial lingo, my inbox always proves me wrong. I’ve never used Urban Dictionary more. Hope some of it’s useful!

P.S. I’d like to take a moment of silence to recognize the beauty that is Korn’s new album. It was released today and I think i’ve played ‘Black is the Soul’ at least fifteen times. It reminds me of Tool and I love everything about it. Jonathan Davis’ voice is pure sex. That is all.

P.P.S. As usual, I have to thank everyone for continuing to read my nonsense. My post hits have been astronomical and I appreciate every single one of them. Love ya! And we’re off…

TL; DR:

As always – talk more, fuck more.

DEAR AJLA…

Q: “WHAT’S THE GRACE PERIOD FOR A GIRL WHO SLEEPS WITH TWO DIFFERENT GUYS? HOW MANY DAYS IS THE MINIMUM BEFORE SHE’S CONSIDERED A SLUT?”

It’s no ones business what you do with your life. If getting down like that makes you happy, then do you, boo boo. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. A lot of guys have lower physical standards for a casual hookup than they do for a relationship. If a one-night-stand is going to leave you feeling burned, you should probably wait. Also, condoms.

Q: “I hate when I’m giving a bj and the guy doesn’t have the courtesy to hold my hair. Is it really that hard?”

This is common courtesy. You literally have one job during a blowjob, boys. Do it.

Q: “IS LACK OF SEX A LEGITIMATE REASON TO BREAK UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND?”

Yes. Being unhappy continuing a relationship is literally the only reason you need to break up with someone. Some people are unhappy without enough sex and some can manage. However, if one part is unhappy, that’s a good enough reason to bounce. Isn’t there some sex cereal they sell at London Drugs that’s supposed to do something about this?

AT LEAST IT WASN’T YOU…

He said to me as we switched to doggy style, in a mario voice, “lets-a put it in-a like dis!”. It was a bit of a turn off…

Q: “WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN WE’RE DONE? WHAT IS THE PROPER AFTER-SEX PROCEDURE?”

Get her a towel. Jk… Kinda. Depends on your situation really. Do you live together? Are you fuck buddies? Please refer to my post on sex etiquette for proper behaviour when it’s time for the cuddle puddle.

On that note, the world drastically changes post-orgasm for guys. Sex is the last thing they want to think about post-bang while remembering the un-holy shit they just did. “Did I really just lick her…” Perhaps avoid discussing a replay immediately after.

Q: “SHE WANTS TO KISS ME AFTER I CAME IN HER MOUTH – THAT’S GROSS”

Some guys dont like tasting their own jizz, I guess? I don’t think anyone should expect people to do anything that they aren’t comfortable with. Girls shouldn’t be offended by this – it’s not THAT uncommon and it’s technically his own ‘stuff’ he isn’t down with. Huh… the first time ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ is legit.

Q: “IS IT TRUE THAT IF YOU DON’T USE IT, YOU LOSE IT?”

Can confirm. CRA is coming for your penis.

Q: “I heard guys like their you know played with… should I?”

Thou shalt NEVER make the assumption a man wants you near his backdoor.

Q: “SHE CALLS ME SOME WEIRD SHIT IN BED”

Ladies, there aren’t many bad things you can say in the bedroom. However, once you say them – good luck with the recovery. Don’t call your partner “Dude” or “Bro” during sex. This isn’t a bro job. “Oh my god. dude. Fuck me harder” What the fuck, are you a surfer or something? Woe! *shaka sign*

Also, unless discussed, probably refrain from calling him “daddy”. If it’s not his thing, I can guarantee how he’s about to spend the rest of the time fucking you wondering about whatever fucked up father issues you may have. With that being said, if he does like it…

AT LEAST IT WASN’T YOU…

I was a 16 year old male, had only made out with a girl once before when I was 12, and I was a late bloomer. So me, four other guys, and and two other girls go to this abandoned Mental Asylum in Dunwoody, Ga. I’m leading the pack with this girl Jen behind me, arms wrapped around my waist and very scared. We leave the asylum and I’m driving to a liquor store because one of the homies has a fake ID. It’s just me and this girl Jen in my car, she’s in the front seat next to me, and exclaims that she has a hole in her jeans right by her crotch. I just say something like oh yeah how big, can I feel it? She lets me put my fingers through the hole. She’s clearly cool with this and I tell her i’ve never felt one before and nor have I had my dick touched before. We make this kind of agreement that she’ll give me a HJ tonight.

So, we drive back to the other girl’s house, I’ve just felt a pussy for the first time (sorta), so i’m stoked and assume the best might happen so I stop at a gas station and buy a pack of condoms, like a 3 pack. I get to Olivia’s house and everyone is already drunk and high, We’re sitting down in front of the TV blasting music and taking turns making out with the different girls. Also, the ratio is at 3 guys to 2 girls.

Somehow the party gets taken upstairs into a bedroom and the makeout-tit-fest continues on a large bed. Things start heating up and I end up heading south on Olivia. No fucking clue what i’m doing. So i’m just tasting and licking and oblivious to anything going on in my surroundings. So, I’m going to town on this girl, whom is a virgin too, and this guy Abe starts making out with her. The thing is Abe’s basically getting all the credit for her physical pleasure. It’s like i’m the chef and he’s the hostess. She starts taking off his pants, and pushes my face away with her foot, basically kicking away. Okay, I’m not gonna rape anyone, i oblige.

So now there’s two couples on the bed side by side, men laying on their backs the girls on top. And, me still in the room for some unknown reason, not hidden but not really interacting either. So everyone’s a virgin and shit’s def about to go down. But wouldn’t you fucking know it, there’s no condoms! . . . well i should’ve kept it that way but i’m like yeah sure. . . i’m not getting pussy, i guess i’ll help you guys out. I don’t know why but i just sit there and watch these two couples lose their virginity at the same time.

And don’t forget i’m still horny as fuck, and now super fucking depressed. I’m the fucking 5th wheel. I’m breathing heavy, really sad, tearing up and silently sobbing a little bit watching this shit go down right in front of me. Maybe I’m a freak too but i go up to Jen and the boy she’s riding and i’m like well you promised a HJ could i get one now or a BJ would be better. While she’s riding his dick i ask this. . . so fucking awkward and desperate. I don’t remember what she said but it didn’t happen.

So i’m sitting there in the corner on the ground watching 4 people have so much fun, I don’t know why nobody asked me to leave haha, and i’m sobbing and i fucking come in my pants. Not because i was jacking it but just because. . . i don’t know. So there’s me crying and coming, and afterwards i excuse myself to the bathroom to clean out my boxers.

Q: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN I’M RIDING GIRL-ON-TOP… HELP!”

Literally learn how to twerk and then do it on his penis. Youtube that shit.

When in doubt, rock it out. If you don’t know how to ride then move back and forth, NOT upside down. You can literally bend it if it slips out and you slam your weight down.

Q: “IT HURTS WHEN HE USES HIS FINGERS – WHAT IS HAPPENING?!”

Chances are he probably needs to trim his fingernails. I’ve heard horror stories of improper hand use. If you have a guy that’s trying to basically contort his hand into a fucking cervical face-palm, you’re gonna have a bad time. At the same time ladies, don’t rub his dick like you’re trying to start a fire. READ THE CUES, PEOPLE. Work with each other.

Q: “DO GIRLS MIND IF THEY DON’T GET AN ORGASM?”

Did you know girls get something similar to blue balls? Yes. Yes they do. Don’t waste her time, fuckboy.

That’s it, that’s all, folks. Have a great weekend! Leave a comment on what suggestions you have for our inquiring friends.