Good sex can be ruined by bad manners. Once upon a time in high school, we had a brief portion of our math class dedicated to ‘Sexual Education’. Of course, this was basically a half hour spent advising us that abstinence is key to not getting AIDS or pregnant. In any event, it’s no surprise that there would be some confusion in regards to proper bedroom etiquette. Lucky for you, this stranger is going to help you figure it out for those hoping their partner will be a repeat customer. Read below for this week’s edition of Frisky Friday devoted to bedroom manners.
P.S. Gruelling research was done for this post, really. Feel free to comment your bedroom faux pas below.
P.P.S. Thank you all so much for keeping up with my posts. It makes me feel so extra when people tell me that they like my writing. I hope you all have an amazing weekend xoxo
Without further ado…
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE
Never lie about your birth control status. I repeat, never lie about your birth control status. One more time for the people in the back, never lie about your birth control status. This is how you create a human – not the key to keeping your lover. On the baby note, unless there’s been a previous discussion in regards to having kids, this probably isn’t the time to bring it up. There is a time and a place for everything and immediately post-bang is not that time. Put that ticking biological clock down, bruh!
CIRQUE DE BROKEN PENIS
If you’ve ever watched an interview with a pornstar, you know they don’t actually have sex like that in real life. Unless you know your body can do it – please don’t attempt to do things like the Italian Chandelier if you’re not at all familiar with the technique. While your bae will appreciate you spicing it up in the bedroom, anything too risky could harm them, as well as yourself, in the process. I’ve literally heard of girls trying to rotate while on top and kicking the guys face mid-spin. Just fuck the guy; don’t break his nose. Come on, now.
WOMEN LIE, MEN LIE, NUMBERS DON’T LIE
I can probably make the assumption that most guys don’t want to talk about other guys in bed. Apparently, not everyone makes this assumption. PSA: Your partner doesn’t want to hear how Ex 1 tried that position with you last time or how Fuckboy 23 ate you out on the dining room table. Do you really want to know how many women he did his tricks to?
Show some respect for the man in your bed (and yourself) and don’t talk about your former lovers. No dude wants to hear about who got you off, especially not when you just got off his.
“LIKE… ARE WE TOGETHER NOW?”
Life hack: Men get really hot after sex. This is not him being detached; he is trying not to have a heat stroke. So, why are you attaching yourself to him like a sloth and asking him what he’s thinking about right now? Let the man breathe.
I’M IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER
We all have our hang ups, but the bedroom is not the time to show them. I don’t care if you think your tits are too small or your love handles are too “love handle-y” – Take. it. off. It’s really awkward to keep yourself covered up all the time during sex. Do you ever see people wearing hoodies in the middle of summer and you’re like “What the fuck? Aren’t you hot?” Yeah.
Confidence is sexy as hell. Men love to see the full masterpiece. Besides, your body is clearly doing something if y’all are doing it, so strip, girlfriend. Oh, and the heels can stay.
If you know you aren’t going to bang, don’t get the party started just to end it before it gets dark. Blueballs are no bueno. I am by no means saying you gotta put out every time, but why are you grabbing onto something just to leave it hanging? The mixed signals gotta go.
IS YOU DED?
It’s understandable that many women have a fantasy of being manhandled, but most men don’t have the fantasy of a blow up doll. Unless your partner is Ed Geins, chances are that he probably isn’t into necrophilia. Leave starfishing in the past and start making more of an effort. That little moan you throw in every 56 seconds doesn’t count.
Face down, ass up…
We wear 500 layers of make up, girls, I get it. When you leave your partners bed, though, that make up gotta go too. Imagine saying bye to your date in the morning only to come back to her face imprinted onto your pillowcase…. yikes.
This shouldn’t need to be explained, but 2016 porn says it does.
Bush is not back.
Bush is scary.
Bush did 9/11. Wait… I’m going on a tangent.
JUST GET A BRAZILIAN WAX.
ETIQUETTE FOR THE GENTS
Disclaimer: Kept it short and sweet. Nobody is safe.
IT’S A RACE
Foreplay is important and sex feels a million times better for a woman when she actually cums. Porn generally shows this for the first thirty minutes, as I know you’re all aware, yet you still try to dive in anyways. Build up the action, amigo.
THAT DIDN’T GO AS PLANNED
Shit happens. Guys get excited and things end a little too early. Oh, well. Let’s not make it awkward by going into the details of why/what/how – just focus on not falling asleep before that promised Round 2, okay?
YOU BREAK IT, YOU BOUGHT IT
Don’t rip clothes unless you’re paying for the replacement of said clothes.
CAN I GO THROUGH THE BACKDOOR?
If she wants you to, she’ll let you know.
By the way, nobody believes the “wrong hole” excuse. A for effort.
POW, RIGHT IN THE KISSER
A little rough housing in the bedroom can be the key to success. Hell, some like to get punched right in the face.
Always lead slow and pay attention the cues. If you can tell she likes it, you can increase the strength of the spank or chokehold – whatever freaky shit you and your partner are partaking in. Give me a heads up we’re going that route though before you pull out my clip-in extensions, fam.
D.I.Y FINISH LINE
Every guy wants to turn a girl into a toaster struedel, I know. I get it, dude. You should always ask if your partners okay with that, though. You guys might have had some great sex and then you fucked up by finishing on her face without permission. Communication is key.
That’s it, that’s all, folks. Don’t forget to leave me a comment and remember to wrap it up.