We’re back! Since it’s Frisky Friday, I’ve decided to do a second installment of debunking sex advice given to the eager reader. If you have a women’s magazine subscription, please follow along before you break your boyfriends penis.
In last month’s edition of Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Clinton’s were given the title of “Good Marriage Role Models.” The reason why they’re the ideal couple? “They’ve been married 45 years and she stayed by him“, Cosmo says. This is an example of how the media can change the title on a headline. ‘Hilary isn’t a doormat, but a woman that sticks by her man!’ While he sticks it in everyone else…
45 years is great and all, but Monica Lewinsky gave Bill Clinton a blowjob in the Oval Office. Bill’s dick has probably been passed around more than a Vancouver Special at the Pacific Rim… and this is goals?
While many couples do repair their relationship after infidelity, I just don’t really believe these two ever did. Don’t strive to be a couple that’s stiff and only happy for show. Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
I’m not sure at what point I started doing the sex thing wrong, but apparently it was when I didn’t bring condiments into the bedroom. If he doesn’t climax with pepper under his nose, did he even really climax?
Life Hack: This is probably the greatest sensation your body can feel. Let him enjoy his climax.
Do you remember when you were young and little asshole kids would give you Indian burns on your forearm? Yeah, do that to his penis.
Life Hack: Communication is key in life and even in the bedroom. Instead of making the assumption that someone likes it rough, you should probably ask. It’s safe to say that someone rubbing you down there like they’re trying to get a stain out of a shirt doesn’t feel very nice – perhaps rug burn on his goods doesn’t either.
If you ever needed reasonable evidence that Cosmopolitan magazine hates men – an article that suggests volleying his Batman and pinching his Robins might just be it. Give it a punch since we’re already there.
Life Hack: Eagerness and enthusiasm go a long way. So does asking “What do you like?”
I feel like if Mormons sexted, this is what it would be like.
Life hack: “Let’s fuck” will probably work better than telling someone you want to ‘devour’ them.
Please verbally refer to it as a ‘breakfast burrito’ too, it really turns us on.
Dear Men’s Health.
When she says she wants 50 Shades of Grey, this isn’t what she meant.
Life Hack: Use literally anything else for impromptu bondage.
Is your relationship going stale? We have just the answer for you. Gently stab him with a fork and put some pepper under his nose before he climaxes!
I literally picture people going into their kitchen before initiating sex and saying, “Alright, what can we work with today?”
Life Hack: Don’t stab people.
Also known as: “18 Reasons Why You Get Cheated On” or in some cases: ““18 Reasons Why You’re Still Single”
Before I get hunted down with a pitchfork, imagine the same article titled “18 Reasons Not To Eat Her Out” … Mhm.
I want to say that I have this out of context and it would make sense if I saw what article it was from… but I really don’t think it would. What the fuck is going on here?
FUCK IN YOUR FRONT YARD, FTW.
Shocking change of scenary she says.
LIfe Hack: Trying new things has never been easier… but you have to communicate. Everyone has a different sexual appetite, so be willing to try new flavours. It’s boring to do the same thing all the time anyways.
On another note, I think this is a great solution in regards to testing cosmetics on animals.
Out of all the names you could have chosen (including his own) – WANKERTON was the ideal choice?
Say what you mean.
Say what you like.
Have sex regularly.
Put down the fork.
All the advice you’ll ever need.