We’ve all been there.
A request came in recently for a blog post on breaking up. While I’ve been single for a long time, it’s easy to remember the feelings that come with the withdrawal of a relationship. This is a post for both men or women that may need a little motivation and to know what’s ahead.
Disclaimer: Any references to Taylor Swift are simply assumptions and not of my own experience. I prefer the lull of death metal while mentally visualizing stabbing my ex-boyfriends with flaming pitchforks. Just kidding… about the flames anyway. It’d burn the acrylic on my nails and I listen to metal every day.
Happy reading & happy heart mending.
THE 4 PHASES OF A BREAK UP
PHASE 1: I’M FINE. IT’S WHATEVER.
I like to call this the shock stage because you mentally haven’t really absorbed the situation yet. Maybe you saw it coming, maybe not – it’s whatever and you’re fine. This is also when your friends are telling you that it makes no sense and your ex is not going to last the weekend without you and all that jazz.
– Mentally hoping your ex will change their mind
– Convincing yourself that it is only temporary and it’ll work itself out soon
– Cheering yourself up with sayings like:
“This is fine. Now I can hook up with those hot guys I couldn’t talk to before”
“I can go out with my girlfriends. Fuck having a boyfriend.”
Foreshadowing: The pain is coming. It is coming fast and it is going to slam into you harder than Ron Jeremy in Olympic Fever.
PHASE 2: DEFCON 1
Welp. The shock is gone and pain has arrived. Your life has literally been turned upside down and you’re crying until snot is running down to your chin.
– Crying and crying… did I mention crying?
– Always needing to be around your friends so you’re not feeling lonely
– Playing Taylor Swift on repeat or watching The Notebook
– Overeating (or undereating) because who the fuck has time to worry about weight when your heart has clearly just been ripped out of your body? Psychopaths, that’s who.
Treatment includes activities such as:
– Respecting their decision. Your ex has decided, as is their right, to break up. You hate it, but you can’t forcefully change their mind.
– Cutting contact. I could go into a million reasons why you should, but I don’t think I need to. You know you gotta. DO IT.
– Eating like shit and binge watching TV shows on Netflix. Although I do this anyways.
PHASE 3: WE’RE MEANT TO BE. FUCK YOU IF YOU DON’T AGREE.
Uh oh, the crazy is about to come out. This phase is definitely where we need to keep our mind in check if we don’t want a restraining order. You have now turned to scheming strategies to win your ex back. You’re feeling slightly better than Defcon 1 and that’s probably thanks to the alcohol consumption. Any dignity that there is to be lost will definitely be done in Phase 3.
– Drunk dialing or texting
– Spying on their social media updates or worse engaging in drive-by peeping (Guess what? You are a fucking lunatic)
– Showing up to where they’ll be uninvited and starting drama
– Trying to discuss getting back together or worse propositioning to settle for fuck buddies
– Trying to make your ex jealous
– Cornering their friends for updates on what he is thinking/up to
Treatment Includes Avoiding Such Activities As:
– Meeting up for “coffee” with your ex
– Talking to people about your break up all the time
– Stalking your ex’s movements. Ex. Checking who they’re newly following on Instagram or Snapchat for clues of another girl/guy
– Posting selfies with captions like “Popping bottles at Caprice with guys until like 4 AM. Butterflies in my stomach from the one I met” *gag*
– “Randomly” running into each other at places where you know your ex is going to be. Everyone always knows it wasn’t planned. (Do not do this or I will kill you!)
– Having sex with a rebound before you’re ready.
– Having sex with your ex’s friends in hope that it will get back to them.
– Having sex with your ex. Actually, no… just let me rephrase:
DO NOT FUCK ANYONE IN PHASE 3.
PHASE 4: IT’S REALLY OVER?
You made it through Phase 3 without a restraining order. Way to go! If you didn’t follow my path and gave into self-destructive urges, it’s okay… people will forget one day… maybe. In this phase, we realize the relationship is really over and it fucking sucks. On the bright side, the rest is anti-climatic after you’ve passed the sociopathic phase. Now we just need to mend the grief.
– You’ve come to terms with the fact that you guys aren’t going to work it out.
– You focus on memories of the past.
– You blame yourself and try to figure out what went wrong.
– Putting your ex on a pedestal even though they were a complete douche canoe
– Remembering your exes faults. Get them off the mental pedestal you have them on. Focus on the reasons why you fought with them and the habits you hated.
– Go to the gym and lose the weight you put on in Phase 1.
– Take care of yourself. Feel sexy for you.
– Start doing fun stuff with your friends again. I’m sure they miss the friend they had before the break up.
– Allow yourself to meet new people.
– BUY A VIBRATOR
– You can reflect on where you went wrong but also give yourself credit for the stuff you did right.
– Most importantly, learn how to love yourself.
What if it was mutual?
Love is all you need. Sorry to say, but John Lennon lied to us all. The idea that love is all it takes is what keeps two people in relationships longer than necessary. Sometimes you can love each other a whole lot and the relationship still sucks. It’s definitely the most sad kind of breakup, but sometimes it needs to happen. If it’s meant to be, you’ll know after time.
What if I was the dumper?
You are not a bad person for wanting to break up with someone whether you love them or not. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is good enough of a reason. It also doesn’t mean you’ll never love anyone else again. Be brave enough to break your own heart.
That’s it, that’s all, folks.
Leave me a comment on what your what your break up tip is or your blog post requests!