MY TOP 3 WORST VANCOUVERITES

In THE LOCAL, THE NERD, THE RANT by The Ajland

After a brief hiatus, I decided to re-emerge on Facebook a month or two ago. What would a mundane workday be if I didn’t grace my friend-list with my annoying status updates? Funny enough, I think within the first hour I realized why I left in the first place. With the revamp of The Ajland, it looked like the prime time to compile a short list of what are my worst types of Vancouverites right now. If you feel a little salty after reading this, you should take a look at this post to see how you can improve your social media etiquette stat. Without further ado…


THE POKEMON GO LOATHER


I went to Metrotown the other night during the ‘Pokestop Lure’ and it was actually a pretty cool thing to witness. All these people who don’t even know eachother sitting side-by-side sharing a common interest. With so many people at war with one another in other places, you’d think we could recognize the significance of this. But, of course not. People on Facebook are in uproar over the game that caused a girl to walk onto a highway and get hit by a car. Um, hello?… Darwinism?…

Listen, the game is super fun. I feel 10 again and I’ve definitely been more active than…ever. The backlash is something to be expected with any new trend, but who cares? I read that someone was mad that someone walked into them while playing Pokemon Go. People literally do this to me on a daily basis while texting. I understand that you apparently expect people to part like the red sea did for Moses, but no.


MY FAVOURITE WORD IS SHEEPLE


Is this the most used word of 2016? I feel like it is. The word itself is contradicting because you’re technically a “Sheeple” for following the herd that uses this term.

Sheeple Pointers: “You’re a Sheeple for wearing that brand!”
In my opinion: I like things. I make money to buy things. Only so many things exist so eventually we will buy the same things.

Sheeple Pointers: “You’re a Sheeple for believing the mainstream media!”
In my opinion: To be honest, I’m just happy people are watching the news. They could literally watch Fox News (I know, I know) and I’d still be joyous they were somewhat up to date on current events.

Sheeple Pointers: “You’re a Sheeple for playing Pokemon GO! The NSA has all your location now.”
In my opinion: OK… but what am I doing that I should be concerned whether the government has my information? I never understood the paranoia people have regarding this or why they believe they have to live hidden like some drug lord. I’m not breaking any laws, so you sit over there with your tinfoil hat while I go catch this Squirtle.

Sheeple Pointers: “You’re a Sheeple for using Snapchat! The government is collecting facial recognition data.”
In my opinion: My face?! GASP! When people mention this, I literally assume you’re one of those that are adamant about the Illuminati take over. On that note, half the people that are paranoid about Snapchat facial recognition have taken a nude at least once. So what you’re telling me is you’ll show the government your pussy but not your face? Frisky, I like it.

On behalf of everyone that has been called a “Sheeple” before… no one cares.


THE ONE THAT HATES VANCOUVER


While I totally understand the frustrations we have in this city (Thanks, Christy Clark), the majority of us can agree that Vancouver’s a fucking beauty. Hence why it completely baffles me when I open my Facebook and see people just venting their hate for the 604. What?! I open my windows because surely we aren’t looking out the same ones? So then I read the rest of their statuses…

“Everyone’s so fake here!”
– There are literally fake people everywhere… ask anyone. People always forget there’s an entire world outside of their circle of 10-20 people.  Go out and find some new friends. There is literally a Cat Cafe here with cats running around, like… what else do you need?

“We don’t even have summer here! It’s always raining! This place fucking sucks.”
– I think I’ve read like 500 people mention the weather this past month. It’s raining? You don’t say. Fucking Einstein over here. You’ve put up with it probably since your first day in Vancouver – what’s one more?

“The real estate sucks! Foreign investors!”
– I get it, man. I really do. Do you honestly think bitching on Facebook is going to change something, though? Life Tip: There is no one coming to save you between now and the time that you really can’t afford housing. Get off Facebook and go make money… or don’t since you hate it here anyways. I hear Winnipeg’s lovely.

“Fucking cyclists!”
– You got me on this one. Fucking cyclists.

Go outside and smell the fresh air, kids. Love ya Vancouver. Comment below on your worst type of Vancouverite!